Rock and a Hard Spot

I haven't felt like this in....well, I guess forever. So many emotions and thoughts, and anxieties. I feel so let down, and like such a let down. I feel stuck, unappreciated, and utterly disrespected by so many people who are so close to me. What's funny is this isn't a new thing. It's just everyone at the same time doing it to me when I now have an innocent life I have to protect from this exact disease that chips away at every female in my family, until they've got no self worth, or they're dead. Which could all be the same color anyways. And for the few people who do hold some type of expectation to me because they care, they will all be let down by my decisions, as usual. But right at this moment, I don't know what to do. It's like that often talked about, but never fully described desolate strech of almost-mud that never sees the sun because, for some reason God made it next to a hard spot and covered it with the heaviest rock you could imagine. There's just nowhere better to go. Because of my blind naiivete, I've put myself and my mini-me smack dab in the middle with a picnic blanket, as if we should stay awhile.

And leave it to this life to feel like I finally had someone who completely understood my seemingly inevitable predicament, and as soon as I think we both realized that, God took her away from me. Randomly enough, this EXACT same situation moved my family away from me, and now I can never have it back. My sister's gone way too early, and the rest of the family is 2000 miles away from me and settled. And I can never get back the childhood that Michael Jackson so avidly sings of. This is a reality and this is my reality. I had no choice back then, and before I realized I had a choice, I was so consecutively making the wrong ones. Nothing is going to change that except some very expensive therapy and some very hard to find will power.

And now I look at everything from the side and think, "Hell no, I will not do it." I tell my mom that still, after 3 separate, nearly fatal cancers, she should leave her disrespecting, alcoholic ball and chain. Who knows where she'll go, but wouldn't anything be better than this?? And I'll do that to every woman in my family since all but one seem to follow suit and shack up with Satan's spawn. Or it's not as obvious and there are just a few major respect or alcohol issues, and in the hard times a little cocktail of both. But either way, I have the know-it-all to advise, and I seem to leave myself, (and now my very fragile baggage) stuck where I'm telling everyone to leave. But at least I can save them, right?? And I'm brought to my little sack of potatoes. The most innocent of them all. How is it fair that I try to save everyone else and allow her to drown with me?? And thats why, I'm finding the will power to be less and less of a sparity in my life, and being rather surprised at it's abundance when it all comes down to it.

This is my first attempt at a blog and it couldn't have come at a better time. I suppose all this emotion is liable to create many worse things than a blog, so lets all be happy handguns take so much time to purchase!! Just Kidding. I now have the unquenchable need to proof-read this, which I know will, cause and effect, change the rawness of the outcome, so again, I'm forced to practice this skill of self control. Oh to be a wild animal, and survive or die off of pure instinct. Sometimes that sounds better than a glass of wine.