It really has been a long time since I've blogged as usual, but my life has been so clouded with drama that I was unable to even see myself let alone have an opinion or epiphany about anything. Today was such a weird day. It started out terrible with a nightmare about multiple types of abuse; morphed into an exciting change on my path to financial freedom; went sour again because someone I care about ended up in the ER; climbed that peak when I was surrounded by good, supportive friends and family including Stinkyface; and then ended exactly the way I thought it would when I awoke startled and scared in the early morning...back down in the dumps. This rediculous roller-coaster that had nothing more to do with me than just me being in the physical vicinity of the drama. Why doesn't that happen to everyone?? Why can I stand in a line twenty-five people deep in the grocery store, and be the ONLY one affected by this stalking drama. Everyone else is in the physical proximity. But fortunately, this disturbing, messed up type of day is just the kind of day where, if taken as an opportunity, can turn mole-hills into mountains.
I was touched today. I personally admire dancing as poetry, and was able to see through all the ups and downs that cloud my head on a daily basis, and a dance really inspired me. As "pop"-y as it is, So You Think You Can Dance undeniably has emotion-arousing art on it. A dance I've seen over and over again finally did its job and got me. It is a dance representing a woman's fight with breast cancer, and I've cried before like I did tonight. I thought of the loved ones I lost to cancer the same way tonight as I did in the past. I felt sorry for myself for my loss, for my missed chances, for everything I wish I was able to make right that I can't do a single thing about. I did all of this before and tonight again. But the one thing I did differently tonight was see my future.
That's what I do. I live in the present first. Then I live in the past. I rarely think of my future during my day to day. I finally previewed my future. And at the same time I saw the futures of the women I love that will not see their futures due to cancer. They are the same. My grandma. My mom. My sister. Just to name a few. Smart, beautiful, capable women. So happy when they were happy. Not given all the time they needed to accomplish what they would have. All because of cancer. And I'm sorry for what I didn't get to share with them. This dance didn't stop there. Who's wanting to share with me?? Who's wanting to spend more time with me?? Who will feel this way when I'm passed??
I've been so selfish. I've spoken advice. I've been the voice of reason, of motivation, of the right. And what have I been living?? I've ignored it all and walked in every mis-step as these strong women. Who am I to do the same thing to people who truly care about me?? Why would I waste my precious time dealing with these roller-coaster days more days a week than not when I could be happy with the people I love?? In missing these women, I forget to bask in all the great things they've taught me. They've showed me over and over again what choices to make and how to live. They became brave in their beautiful mistakes. And yet its "Oh, poor me." No more. If life is as short as I've seen it be, I absolutely will live up to it. Yes, not live it up, but live up to it! I love you Grandma. I love you mom. I love you Deb. You have all shared in teaching me and so many other women how to be strong. How to be independent. How to be happy. And you will be proud! Not only of me, but also of Stinkyface. And Chickien Poc's stinkies. Because I will be an example. Not only by my mistakes, but also by my successes. I've come leaps and bounds, but revisiting my past blogs also shows how much I've stayed the same. No more. I will make a difference. I will be happy. My life continues today.
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