A Sense of Adventure

This whole blogging adventure, now that I have finally committed myself, has become exactly that. An adventure. I feel myself float, fall, grow, shrink, smile and cry. And I'm beginning to attribute adventure now with commitment. If I hadn't committed to this blog, I wouldn't be researching blogs. I wouldn't be finding the most amazing and insightful blogs that actually lend themselves to my purpose, nor would I be reading and recognizing great writing that is completely different than mine while showing me that I can be successful in my own right, by staying true to myself.

Here's a little preface to the adventure. When I was a teenager, I was a typical girl. Self conscious about my body and appearance. I never looked the exact way I wanted to. I wasn't as pretty as I wanted to be. I didn't have the exact clothes I wanted to wear. These are the struggles of growing up, mixed with adolescence and puberty, and peer pressure. I didn't realize I was normal. I don't think any kids really do. Needless to say, I covered up my insecurities with an over abundance of esteem based on my intelligence and intellect. I thought that I would be able to know everything about everything, win all debates, even be able to eventually become powerful through knowledge and persuasive skills.

Through this belief, I didn't focus on my physical drawbacks. This idea of being able to concretely know certain facts and convincing one person that my point of view was "right," and convincing that one person to convince someone close to them the same, became the basis of my being. I stayed tuned in to local and worldly politics and social news. I stayed loyal to my opinions, and therefore, stood up for myself through this means. I wasn't swayed by others, and didn't let anything oppose or oppress my values. In hindsight, this sounds crazy. It is definitely not the healthiest way to gain self confidence. But it worked. And, also in hindsight, those were some of my strongest years. And I look back on those years fondly. As I got older, I realized I wasn't a hideous monster, and in fact, I could clean up pretty nicely when I had to. I started to focus more on appearance. I stopped studying. I stopped practicing. I stopped growing. I became weaker and more vulnerable. And then I became what I promised myself I would never be; a victim. A victim of myself. A victim of others. A victim of ignorance. A victim of lethargy. I remained a victim, knowingly, for years. And that's what leads me to the cusp of the adventure.

I blogged in the past to feel better. I blogged to touch someone. I blogged to be touched by someone. Stories could be shared. Advice. Ideas. Alliances could be made, which I had missed in so long. Then, through some pressure by friends and by my situation, I finally made the commitment. It could be a portal to regaining the strength I once exhibited. It could be the beginning of the path to happiness; the therapy to place me in a healthy environment. It could be just what someone else needs to help them in their situation. On the journey today, I realized so much. I realized I'm less different than I think. I stumbled upon a series of websites dedicated to topics along the lines of my motives, based on providing a forum for people like me (which, I realized today, that I'm part of this group in whole) and listing references to assist and console.

I've always wanted to be a part of something that helps people, I just never had a clear idea of what I would be useful doing. I've considered kids. Kids with cancer. Kids with leukemia. Kids with no family. Kids with no school. I've considered adults. Adults with illness. Adults with substance addictions. Adults with no social support. And although I've experienced all of these types of people in my life, somehow it's been difficult to fuse myself completely to any of these so-called charities for some reason. I've even involved myself with an organization for foster children, but somehow, all of these other causes don't seem to come as naturally to me. I can come up with a million reasons why, but that just takes up the time I have to make a difference in what does come naturally to me at the moment.

Which leads me to the ups and downs of the adventure that I've experienced only today. I realized I WAS part of this group of people I've insisted for so long that I wasn't actually a part of; just close to being a part of. These people are broken and are taken advantage of because of it. These people, yes, allow themselves to be torn down, but because of hopeful ideas they can "change" something negative into a positive. I was surprised. I was sad. I was let down. Then, I realized I wasn't surprised completely. I read on. I understood that I wasn't alone. The opposite, actually. I read hundreds of stories of people in situations similar to mine; much, much worse than mine. I felt like a part of something. I felt supported. And I saw that I could be interesting, hold attention, and entertain, even, many people. I could be helped. I could be helpful. I remain committed, and randomly, don't find any lack of topic to provide daily blogs in my heart or head. I understand better what I've claimed to understand all along. I'm self-assured, and I will make a difference. I'm grateful for this move in my hobby/career/life, as they all are interchangeable in my life. I'm anxious and excited to see what tomorrow has in store.