I haven't had the ease of basic technology in what seems like forever, so now in the grasp of some alone time and a laptop, I'm able to re-connect with my postings. My journal. My therapy. And after re-reading my older posts, everything I was going to compile into a new blog posting can, well, basically, stay. It's true. I have been on a journey. A bumpy, taking-no-prisoners kind of journey. And though there's pain, this journey really has left me happier than before.
I have evolved independently, there's no doubt. And daily I do so. Through means I never realized meant so much. I always thought through common successes, such as a work promotion or a new car, a person can evolve successfully, basically because of ethics. But it goes much further than that. It's in pushing the box out from the inside. It's from forcing that square to become a circle. It's from succeeding at the little things you've never even thought to try, that you evolve.
I've done that, all my life. Put all my trust in my work ethic, or my study skills. I will ace that test. I will get the promotion. And I did. Over and over again. Because I knew for sure I could. Because it's what I did. Over and over again. That is not what made me evolve. That made me very confident and secure in my studies and work ethic. There's a difference. There's no evolution in repetition. Only perfection, a term I use loosely.
At some point, if I ever wanted to be more than I am, I would have to do something more. Something else. Something new. I'm would have to get out of my comfy, pillow padded box and fall. And get up again and fall. Again. And, even in hindsight, over the past handful of months, that is what I've done. I've done things differently and tried new things. I've accepted things I cannot change, which, if you know me personally, you know is not easy for me. I can be pretty stubborn, at times, but that's a dragon to slay another day. I've also started to change some things that I can.
To start, I've realized I can control me, only. Seriously. I can't even control my kids. If they want to be naughty, they will be. My job is to show them the right way to behave. I've heard it all my life but I've never truly understood it until now.
Also, I'm nobody's teacher. This is an ism my sister used to use constantly. So often, I hated it. Duh! Of course I'm not; except for my kids, but they came later. I'm a horrible teacher...and of course, that should have only been my first clue. But I would try to show my dad, in his drunken stupors, over and over again, how what he was doing was hurting us; me. I would explain it, try to teach him. And the cycle repeated with many men in my life. One day they'll get it. One day they'll understand. One day my lesson will be processed. Nope. Never going to happen. I'm nobody's teacher.
Thirdly, and a big three it is; I accept the fact that I am not a strong enough person to deal with the level of crazy some people are on. This is tied in with my stubbornness, as well, and I actually only came to accept as of this last weekend. Me. I am strong. I've dealt with it all. I can deal with this. I can deal with anything. My mantra. And I can only assume this is the same mantra most women chant throughout their lives, originating from a minority position; especially women with less than adequate childhood role models.
Instead of dealing with the fact that I am human and I am weak sometimes, I overcompensated, most of my life, with exactly how strong I was. Sure, I can take on the charity case. I am strong. Sure, I can deal with whatever take-your-pick abuse they try to throw at me. I am strong. Sure, I can last rounds and rounds through it. I am strong.
I broke. Finally. I wasn't strong enough. I'm not strong enough. And when I admitted it, I cried. Not because I wasn't strong. I am strong. But because it took me this long to realize it. And not even that, so much, as I have to go back to it even after I've finally understood. I have to sort out the wake that trails behind the Crazy Ship. But since this admittance, I feel like I've rounded third. I feel like this is the last stretch of the race. I feel more in control of myself than I think I have in a very long time. Of course, I give some credit to age and maturity, but the rest, I have to give to experience and new opportunity.
And here's to evolution. A neither-here-nor-there theory, that only catapulted one of the greatest minds to the top of the philosophical list of who's who. Evolution is real, just ask the chimpanzees. And I truly believe that our foot is on the philosophical gas pedal of our Evolution-mobile. It's about what you're open to trying to understand. Or do. Or accept. It's about realizing there is probably more to you than what you even know.
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