One Small Leap For Mankind

Oh, what a crazy week.  A whirlwind of work, kids, anticipation.  Anxiety.  All leading up to tonight.  Well, tomorrow really, but tonight is where it festers. 

I never wanted kids.  The world was so full of ugly negativity and war.  How would I be able to protect them?  How could I teach them to believe what I say is right and wrong?  How can I make sure they are good?  Safe?  Different than me?

There are no guarantees, so in my mind, I wasn't ever going to be responsible for the demise of a child.  Another let down baby.  A child that should be offered everything, and yet is never given a chance.  I wasn't going to be that person.  I could barely help any of the helpless children already in the world.

But, SURPRISE!!  I was pregnant.  It seems like just yesterday that I held that precious little swaddled girl for the first time.  I remember everything.  I wondered why her hair was so dark, and why there was so much of it.  I wondered how she ate and what was I going to do now.  I cried hysterically that first night.  I wasn't a mom.  I was just a scared little girl myself.  I didn't know what to do.  I wasn't scheduled.  The only diaper I changed was of my nephew, and he was a boy.  Girls are different.  They are complex.  Fragile.  That's when the nurse came in and took the baby for a few hours to let me rest and pull it together.

That's just one of the times I really missed having a mom. I wasn't able to ask the person with so much experience and knowledge for advice.  And today is another one of those days.

The person never supposed to have kids has a child starting kindergarten.  I wish, so badly, that I was able to talk to my mom.  Rack her brain.  Find out what I'm supposed to do right now.  What I'm supposed to pack.  What I'm supposed to say to the teacher.  What I'm supposed to say to Stinkyface.  But I can't. 

My mom was an amazing school-age mom.  I mean, that's really all I got out of her, but comparatively, she really was top notch.  She was creative and smart.  She had good morals and ethics.  She really valued education.  But she isn't here and I was too young to have even paid attention to her tactics, let alone remember them.

But forging on, because, tomorrow is going to come whether I'm ready or not; I've decided it will just come to me.  Like so much else thankfully has.  And atop that, I've decided to set the stakes high.  I've decided that, since it's such a big day in Stinkyface's life, why not take the plunge with her.  Tomorrow is going to be the start of something big.

Again, I really would love to make some major changes in the path of my life, not just for me, but also for my mom, and also for Stinkyface. I don't want to be the parent I was always too afraid to become.  I want to be the parent that perseveres and really molds her children into successful adults.  I want to make sure my kids are able to combat the general negativity and turn into genuinely good people. Hopefully, tomorrow is another leap towards our success.