No-Shave-ember...or Whatevs

So, this November has been special.  I moved into my own place.  I bought my own furniture.  I utilized health insurance in a thoughtful manner.  And of course, there's the holidays.

But this means, a lot has changed.  Comfort ability has changed.   Finances have changed.  Styles have changed.  Laws have changed.  Cities have changed.

I know this sounds simple, but it's not.

This move is not a breakup.  We broke up years ago.  But, we continued a limited relationship for the kids, in which, I'm sure neither of us remembered who we were on the inside.  That is the thing with unhealthy relationships.  However, we HAD kids.  So, we stayed in the same house.

So now, the change is different.  And for me, the stress of the change on the kids is killing me.  Of course, I fight myself daily on if this is the right move, because I never saw any of the women I looked up to do this.  So, it's so hard.  I have no time between work and homework and bedtime routine, to even play.  

However, I have less than half of the anxiety I used to have.  I never have to worry about the ensuing fight when I get home.  I can cook whatever I want.  And, I'm in the process of regaining myself and my style after 10 years of compromise.  Plus, there is a level of hindsight that has proven very powerful in my everyday routine.

Basically, change isn't simple.  There are so many variables that exist within change.  And even the best change has a matter of time where it is uncomfortable, or even hurts, even if it is the right change. 

Without getting into any more of that; this is the month my sister passed away, and I will add, the month the orchid that I was able to keep alive since my mom's funeral, has also not survived.  My sister never got to realize her full adult potential; though, she definitely lived.  She was so unbelievably strong and smart, and fun-loving.  And she was basically the only person who knew exactly where I came from.  Except my mom.  Who, I assume, also, wasn't able to fully enjoy life.

While I was alone when I lost both my sister and my mother, I do have an ensuring hope that they are undoubtedly proud of me.  I have so many friends, who don't judge, and help me stay afloat when things are hard.  I'm so thankful for my family and all of my friends.  But this is a note that it's not easy.  It rarely is.  But it's worth it.

I'm happy.  My kids are happy.  And my family and friends are happy.  Change is hard, but its necessary and imminent. This month is a dedication to my beloved mother and my amazing sister Debbie.  Honestly, you are both my daily inspirations and I love you beyond detail.