Hummingbirds and Bumble Bees

You know, it's funny the way things turn out. I have a good friend who is so much like me in so many ways, and as she brought it up to me, we didn't even pick each other. We probably would have never met, in fact. But through the random chain of events called life, we were brought together and we tend to really help each other out. So many of the things she's said to me have stuck where it counts and pushed me when I started to slip. And once a week or so, I get to be that kind of support for her. She's a self-proclaimed fat-friend picker, and I am the serial "life-saver." She's unconditional. She's too busy. She's pushy. She's arrogant. She's insecure. She's so much like me.

And then there's our situation. Yes, one situation that both of us have. Fat-Friend Picker has her man. She has her daughters. She has her business. But she doesn't have as much control of any of it than she'd like. Over the course of creating the life she dreamed about, she lost herself. Now, it seems as if none of what she has is how she thought she chose it. Years after throwing herself into and dedicating her time to this business, she realized that it's not giving her the return she expected. I kind of compare it to being a surrogate mother. You eat right, sacrifice, fall in love with your belly and all the pains that accompany, and once that head and big feet arrive, they're given back to someone else.

I've been there, done that. I coddled Rubber and Chrome. I detailed it. I loved it. And then Big Man brought me back to reality. No matter how much I was in control behind the scenes of Rubber and Chrome, Big Man was the one who got all the smiles. The trips, the shows, the credit. It wasn't until I unraveled all the knots in the emotional ties, that I realized what was really the situation. I rocked at business. I'm organized. I'm committed. I'm smart and creative. But this wasn't my business. I would have never, in a million years, chose Rubber and Chrome as my start-up. What I loved was being successful. And it was finally time to be successful with ME. I could still be involved with Rubber and Chrome, but at the end of the day, I would be excited to move another step forward in the journey of me. This is too, the story of Fat-Friend Picker.

Another aspect, babies. I have a baby. A baby girl. And what I'm learning as each day passes, is that my baby girl is less and less like a baby, and I have no idea or control over what the next minute will have in store. Stinkyface is standing up by herself today. She doesn't just lay on me when I want her to. She's got exploring to do, and people to coherce. And, even though I've been told I'm the queen of thinking too far ahead, she's going to grow up. She's going to start school with teachers I can't control, and be around other kids I can't monitor, and learn lessons by making mistakes I can't take back for her. And then she's going to follow Mother Nature's timeframe and become a woman. And then the dreadful weener. Yes, she's going to like boys. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say they're going to like her back. After that heavy, black curtain falls on me and knocks me out for awhile, I'm going to wake up and have to face reality. Hummingbirds and bumble bees are going to be the topic of conversation until I'm blue in the face or she runs away, whatever comes first. Fat-Friend Picker has just recently pulled her curtain off her head and is possibly considering the likely fact that it has left a scar that will take some time to heal. Although, in this aspect, we're not exactly in the same situation, it will one day happen to me, so all I can do is listen, with a juxtaposition of horror and amazement, to her almost-unreal stories and offer a shoulder to cry on, while I contemplate my own suicide before Stinkyface blossoms.

Then there's the man. The guy responsible for knocking me up. The baby daddy. The guy I can love one minute and despise the next. Obviously there's something about Big Man. I went on a second date. I moved in with him. We shared a house, a business, 3 cars. And then the damned cute girl was born. I gave him all of me. I supported him when he was hitting near-bottom. I cooked and cleaned for him. He detailed my car. He would open jars I couldn't. I was bitter towards him when he did whatever his little heart desired. A-HA!! I was mad at Big Man because, as immature as he did it, he looked out for what he wanted. He did, said, was whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. And me?? I was the one always making sure he didn't fall. I was the one always making sure he was doing what I thought was best for us. I was the one never looking out for me. And that's why I was pissed. There was the first SEMA show Big Man went to without me. I was walking with Fat-Friend Picker, as her hubby is in the same damn industry, on a beautiful trail in the Loop, when she said "He's going to do what he's going to do, and he's going to be the one who looks stupid when he acts it." That's when it clicked. I just can't be in control of him. He's a person, just like me. He may make mistakes. He may do the right thing. But it's up to him to be his best. Just like it's up to me to be mine. It's no wonder no matter how many things I think I'm in control of, I'm unhappy. And after a very long time from that walk, I finally was able to consider ME first and foremost. This is something I'm watching Fat-Friend Picker battle inside herself. Even though, way back then, she had the answer, she wasn't applying it to her own life. Basketball theory, anyone??

Now that I'm on my own journey to greatness, I can recall, in hindsight, just how hard it was to get over that hump. I would get to the cusp, and things would get good, and I would roll all the way back down the hill and have to start again. I would forget everything I was working on and for, and fall back into the easy habit. I would say, just this year, in fact, I conquered that mountain. And I might now be ecstatic everyday, but I'm so much happier. I'm a better person in everything I do because I spend my time trying to be who I want to be, not trying to make everything else mold to me. I get along so much better with Big Man. I'm finishing school and will start a career that will take care of me and Stinkyface no matter what happens. And I will be able to teach Stinkyface to get where she wants to go with respect but minimal distraction. Although there's still a little fog around Fat-Friend Picker, I can see where she's headed, and I think its safe to say, not only will she be happier, her relationships, her businesses, and her girls will all progress with Godspeed to where they're supposed to go.

It's so crazy, this roller-coaster called life. Thank goodness my life did what it did when it did it, because I'm so happy to have friends like Fat-Friend Picker around, and I'm blessed with my family as well. There apparently really is a rhyme and reason to things even if they seem negative or insurmountable at the time.