The Next Step's a Doosie

Scoff if you want to/need to/have Tourette's; I love Dr. Laura. I listen to her on the radio as often as I possibly can. I own EVERY book she's published, financing, I'm sure, her frequent vacations to India and such. Mostly, people tell me how annoying she is, what a bitch, how insensitive she is when I introduce her name along with her ideals. And an hour later, I can explain only her words of wisdom deleting her name from my vocab and all of a sudden, it makes sense to every one. I too, used to think Dr. Laura was a bitchy primate. And, needless to say, A MAN changed my mind on the matter. Now if you feel like you are completely in control of every second/feeling/season of your life and you don't need one person in order to maintain hapiness, don't read this. That's bull and you're not ready to cop to your responsibilities. And I don't care. You'll get where you need to go when you need to get there. Me...I'm ready to admit when I'm wrong, love when its rough, and open enough to hear when I'm mixing the two.

As I plunge farther into Bad Childhood Good Life, almost every word hits me like a backhand from Chuck Lidell. She writes about the ten qualities that make it possible to liberate yourself from victimhood. I read through the first, then the second...yes, taking responsibility and enduring is liberating. That actually sounds a lot like my MO when I act as practicing therapist in my world. Then, for some reason, the third quality: Acceptance, hits a nerve. This isn't only the acceptance that in my life, I've been a victim, but also the acceptance that those I seemingly frustrate and depress myself over trying to heal their pathetic existence will not change because of me. As I began this blog, I wanted so desperately to write on two separate topics and couldn't for the life of me figure out how to corelate the two, but as I let my heart empty, they've meshed easily in my opinion.

In order to drown out the puke-inducing sounds of TMZ from the television, I popped in my iPod earphones hoping that I would still be able to read with the tenacity Dr. Laura would want. As I scrolled through the artists trying to find the most mellow, least needy beats, I find Jack Johnson as usual. While reading about the freeingness of Acceptance, Banana Pancakes played in my ear. If you haven't heard the song, it's about being so in love that you call in sick. You get out of bed when you feel like it. You don't answer the phone because you're so fulfilled with your love. You spend the whole day in love. Whether it be experience, movies, stories, I know that feeling. I know it for real. I think about it often. Its good. Then, the rest of reality sets in. The negative that makes it impossible for that day to last and happen everyday fills my head. In my situation, addiction is what ended that day. And as I think back, my dad was an addict. My brother was an addict. My sister was an addict. And the rest addicts in their own right. I have not Accepted, the way I need to, the situations I'm involved with with these people. Justifyingly, I've surrounded myself with others like my father/brother/sister/insert name here, and after being hurt, haven't yet reached Acceptance.

I do desperately yearn for the love Jack sings about, and I do know it. But I think the magic word here isn't love, but unfortunately desperately. As I get older, I endure more than I would have when I was younger. And yet many of my fond memories come from my younger days. If I took the words of Dr. Laura to heart, I would stand up to fear and choose different steps as my feet move forward. Then, as my life filled with positivity through the rough, the desperation will wear away and I will be too busy to dwell on memories.

Acceptance is liberating.