How Do I Love You?

I love you. I don’t think you know how much I love you. 



And you don’t have to.  You don’t have to know how I think about you constantly.  You don’t have to know how I wage war with depression every day just to go to a job I don’t like, so I can pay for us to have a decent house and decent clothes.  You don’t have to know about the battles I fight so I can pay for your sports and arts.  You don’t have to worry about what I deal with so I can take you traveling and buy you things I know you want but will never use.



It’s okay.  It’s okay that you are emotional.  It’s okay that you are angry.  It’s okay that you are pushing limits.  Because, it’s the way you grow up.  It’s not easy in a broken home.  It’s not easy getting older.  It’s not easy dealing with the pressures of your peers, school, and separate parents. And I totally understand, and wish you understand that.



But, it doesn’t make me less human.  It hurts when you’re disrespectful.  It hurts when you’re unthankful.  It hurts when you aren’t as excited as I am just to be in the same room as me.  Sometimes, it just hurts.



Again, though, it’s not yours to deal with.  I apologize for a lot, but, I don’t apologize for loving you enough for you to hurt me.  You amaze me, and astound me, and make me laugh; every day. It’s my job to take the worries off your shoulders.  To wipe the tears from your cheeks.  To hug the stress out of your body and soul.



I love you and I want to love you. Forever. The way I loved you as a precious infant. The way I loved you as a stinky toddler. The way I loved you as the elementary school rebel. I want to always be able to love you like that. And, I will.



I love you.  I don’t think you know how much I love you.

Under New Management

If you're anything like me, you catch yourself paused in thin air, considering why, after so much hard work and sacrifice, and TIME, you aren't living the life you expected to.  You have random months filled with reading all the self help books you can find.  You start finding all kinds of different lists laying around the house.  Your sleep pattern blows up and you don't know what day it is.

I pride myself on being an empathetic and passionate person.  I stand up for those people and animals who can't stand up for themselves.  I volunteer.  I'm a wholly dedicated mom, who will literally do anything for my kids. Shoot, I'm the person who always allows the guy in the other lane to enter mine, inches ahead of my Scion; almost always nicely.  And yet, I still struggle.

I don't sleep.  I have gained more weight than ever.  There's no money, ever.  And it's not due to lack of effort.  I eat pretty decently, but, I drink wine and don't make enough time for exercise.  My anxiety keeps me awake, but my lack of healthcare coverage in this shining American state of California leaves me self medicating.  And, the money just is never there.  I'm an excellent employee with a decent job.  But being a single parent has it's limitations, and randomly, I haven't been as successful as others to lock down a position void of the old fashioned requirement of sitting in an office for a specific amount of time in order to be of value.  And pyramids aren't my thing.

While in the midst of my cyclical months of reading, I was reminded of many of my own epiphanies, that I either let go of, stopped thinking about, or never gave a fighting chance to begin with.  I am my own biggest hurdle.  I've watched far less disciplined or considerate people get everything they ever wanted.  Because, unlike me, they don't constantly wonder about why they are failing.  They, instead, are living life, and just going for it.

But, do you see what I'm doing?  Comparing.  I'm building up my own case of doubt against myself.  I'm bidding apples to oranges, and rationalizing it to fit my feelings.  This, right here, is the point of my grand re-opening of my blog.

Art is mine.  No one can make me feel bad about painting.  Running is mine, even though I don't do it enough at the moment.  I don't upset anyone else's swag when I'm out there on the trail by myself.  Writing is mine.  I like doing it and it frees my mind from my own constant nagging.  I love sharing it with people, and finding my village of like minded humans. Which is why I'm taking this step to blog everyday, whether I publish or not.  Because, it makes me happy, and isn't that really the ultimate goal?

I will be sharing, through this year of blogging, changes I'm making in all the areas of my life, including parenting, health, relationships, and professional endeavors.  I want to talk through my struggles and celebrate my accomplishments.  I encourage you to share your stories and opinions with me too, and share my journey with your friends.  I know it's always a blessing to find more people, like yourself, with their own experiences to add.  So, happy Grand Re-opening!

Yes-Man vs. Bah-HumBug: Superheroes Part 1

On the wake of the holidays, and the cusp of the New Year, I figure, why not write?

I could write about everything you see, that I'm thankful for everyday, on Facebook or Instagram.  I could make another resolution and pray I keep it, because, ya know, it's documented.  Or, I don't know, I could just make a journal entry.  A Yes-Man, motivated, journal entry.

I've been extremely bah-humbuggy this holiday season.  Not in an all out war-with-others; drivers on the road, shoppers in my lane, family I didn't intend to see.  No.  It was a far more internal "bah-humbug."  A bah-humbug to no money for gifts for my loved ones; many of which I know spent money on us.  A bah-humbug to decorations - mine were lacking with no time or money to try to even come close to fix.  A bah-humbug to Christmas in general.  I knew rushing around would be surprised upon me.

And, suddenly, as if the the sun rose warmly on a frosty morning just for me, and stared at me in my closed, sleepy eyes through a random slot in my blinds, I felt empty.  Not a bad empty.  A good empty.  I felt free of necessity.  I felt free of anxiety.  I felt free of expectation.

It's been a while since I've felt like this.  Like, I can be me.  Like, I AM me.  Like, I'm open to be a Yes Man.  I'm hopeful.  I'm excited.  I'm ready.  No more bah-humbug debris.  It's all gone.  In fact, if this was Myspace, I'd be able to attach Jack Johnson's "No Other Way" to this blog post, and everyone would get it. Aaahhh  Myspace days.

I digress.  I'm hopeful.  I mean, I'm always hopeful.  That's kinda my thing.  But after my random morning Good Morning Sunshine epiphany, I'm extra hopeful.  I'm motivated in a way I haven't been in a long while.  I'm ready to make waves.  The way I used to, but in a new way.  And I will.

I'll make resolutions, which are okay.  But, I'm going to make promises, too, this year.  I'm going to promise what may sound like a lot, but I'm capable.  It may feel like a lot, but I'll remind myself, I can do it.  And, when I am about to break, I'm going to laugh.  Because I already made it.

I really, truly, hope all the rest of my loved ones do the same.  I watched the entire last quarter of the year fly by, and I couldn't keep up with the agony I wanted to complain about.  It was over before I had a chance.  I ask you to forget about the anxiety, the dread, and stay positive until you just can't anymore.  Then, take a deep breath.  And, it's gone.

We're far more resilient than we think.  Remember when you fell off your bike when you were 9 and thought you died?  We are that same person, just with more pain resilience. :)

Please, enjoy an immense New Year.  Be a Yes-Man.  Be positive.  Be YOU!  Do it all!!

Happy New Year!