Under New Management

If you're anything like me, you catch yourself paused in thin air, considering why, after so much hard work and sacrifice, and TIME, you aren't living the life you expected to.  You have random months filled with reading all the self help books you can find.  You start finding all kinds of different lists laying around the house.  Your sleep pattern blows up and you don't know what day it is.

I pride myself on being an empathetic and passionate person.  I stand up for those people and animals who can't stand up for themselves.  I volunteer.  I'm a wholly dedicated mom, who will literally do anything for my kids. Shoot, I'm the person who always allows the guy in the other lane to enter mine, inches ahead of my Scion; almost always nicely.  And yet, I still struggle.

I don't sleep.  I have gained more weight than ever.  There's no money, ever.  And it's not due to lack of effort.  I eat pretty decently, but, I drink wine and don't make enough time for exercise.  My anxiety keeps me awake, but my lack of healthcare coverage in this shining American state of California leaves me self medicating.  And, the money just is never there.  I'm an excellent employee with a decent job.  But being a single parent has it's limitations, and randomly, I haven't been as successful as others to lock down a position void of the old fashioned requirement of sitting in an office for a specific amount of time in order to be of value.  And pyramids aren't my thing.

While in the midst of my cyclical months of reading, I was reminded of many of my own epiphanies, that I either let go of, stopped thinking about, or never gave a fighting chance to begin with.  I am my own biggest hurdle.  I've watched far less disciplined or considerate people get everything they ever wanted.  Because, unlike me, they don't constantly wonder about why they are failing.  They, instead, are living life, and just going for it.

But, do you see what I'm doing?  Comparing.  I'm building up my own case of doubt against myself.  I'm bidding apples to oranges, and rationalizing it to fit my feelings.  This, right here, is the point of my grand re-opening of my blog.

Art is mine.  No one can make me feel bad about painting.  Running is mine, even though I don't do it enough at the moment.  I don't upset anyone else's swag when I'm out there on the trail by myself.  Writing is mine.  I like doing it and it frees my mind from my own constant nagging.  I love sharing it with people, and finding my village of like minded humans. Which is why I'm taking this step to blog everyday, whether I publish or not.  Because, it makes me happy, and isn't that really the ultimate goal?

I will be sharing, through this year of blogging, changes I'm making in all the areas of my life, including parenting, health, relationships, and professional endeavors.  I want to talk through my struggles and celebrate my accomplishments.  I encourage you to share your stories and opinions with me too, and share my journey with your friends.  I know it's always a blessing to find more people, like yourself, with their own experiences to add.  So, happy Grand Re-opening!