Against All Odds

Yes, another hiatus. This time I have an excuse. I have plenty ideas, so that's not it. I need serious therapy, so that's not it either. No. Instead, I've finally gotten out. I've gotten out of the toxicity. I've gotten out of being the victim. I've gotten out of the "tolerable" hell I've been in for so long that it felt normal.

The camel's back got broken. And believe me, I think everyone knew it was going to happen. There was that typical build-up. The kind they teach you to use when writing a good story. The kind I've seen over and over again, if not in my own situation, in those of my troubled loved ones. Money was tight. I'd become physically healthier than I'd been in a while. I got my own job. Gasp. The stress of all of that is maddening, right?? Well, if you are a person with very little self esteem, a drug and alcohol problem, colleagues and/or family and friends enabling, and quite possibly an undiagnosed mental illness, it is.

Somehow, some financial stress mixed with my own gaining independence became a devil of infinite proportions. Because, no one else in the universe had financial stress. No one else knows what it's like to give up a little. To save. To live like, well, a poor person for a little while. Of course, I'm being sarcastic, but sadly, this is how he felt. At least that's what I'm assuming to make my own monster seem much more human.

Needless to say, I don't have all the details. The Big Man and I stopped talking about real things years ago. I've tried, to no avail. He, I guess, just doesn't know how it works. The whole talking thing. Instead, I find 12 random shot bottles of vodka in his trash at work. He comes home from work reeking of booze, barely able to walk straight, refusing to admit to one tiny taste of anything alcoholic. He's irate at the thought of me talking on my phone. Because, I've never had to deal with any of these circumstances before. I'm sure I'm dumb enough to believe he was just tired, and overworked. At a "job" where he's self-employed and I've witnessed his mostly lack-of-work first hand.

No, I'm sorry. This isn't my first rodeo. And even if it were, I've been to God-Knows-How-Many growing up. We'll call this the twelfth straw. And yes, I'm completely comfortable documenting this, for one: this is MY platform. Where I can say what I want; you can judge me or not; we breathe in and move on. And two: out of 8 years and multiple pleadings to read my blog and tell me what he thought, he'd been interested enough to do it never. Okay, he tried once and got less than halfway through and told me my writing was much to textbook style and that no one would want to read it. So amongst everything, I'm quite comfortable documenting this.

So, in accurate form and grace, the lying and paranoid accusations grew. Obviously I was dating a trainer. Why else would I go to the gym. And obviously there was more payoff than just health, I must be dating other random men. And obviously I'm having orgies because I'm working somewhere away from him and being happier and more independent than I have been in ages. It makes sense. So instead of taking these insecurities and using them as anything remotely close to a positive as he could; say...working out to thin down, working out to clear his mind, becoming healthy to be in control of his financial decisions, etc; why not drink himself to oblivion daily. But I don't think that's the extent of it. Although he was angry enough with just alcohol, he began smoking an immense amount of marijuana, which generally, in my knowledge, will calm you down and mellow you out, neither of which was the case. But, he was left to his own devices for 8 hours out of the day now. No more babysitter, and we all know, when the cats' away, the mice will play. His behavior began to emulate that of which he had when I met him. Back when I found out he wasn't just unbalanced, but was also using meth.

Now is not the time for lectures, folks. I'm the first one to say good, clean people don't stay with druggies unless they do some themselves. That is the furthest thing from my case. You'll see, from my previous blogs, the addict lifestyle is what I was raised in. It took so much from me. Loved ones. Self esteem. My life. I didn't have to do drugs to feel it's anguish. I already knew it very well. And this was why, in good political fashion, it was my mission to clean up every druggie, one by one, and prove to them and to the world that they can do it and that I can help! Got me pretty far, I'd say. Two kids and right smack dab back where I started.

But back to the point. This series of unhealthy events led up to a Monday night, much like that of many other nights. He's in charge of the kids while I do something for myself. Said something being going to the gym like I do every Monday. And the five-minutes-ago guy who wanted a hug turned into a paranoid asshole, recklessly trying to prove that I'm cheating on him, all in front of the kids. Mind you, this happens nearly daily. I explain, as always, that this is something we can talk about later after I get back and the kids go to bed, but he doesn't back down. He persists, in fact. He knows how to push every button, until I'm defending myself from these made up actions. It's literally crazy. But finally, I leave for the gym, with fear in my heart that those were the hands of an incapable parent in charge of my children. And I was right.

I got home to an excessively inebriated person, blaring my running playlist (mostly club-quality songs)at 9:20pm with two very tired but very awake children in the living room. This was the norm on Mondays and Wednesdays. He had apparently forgotten how to put the kids to bed. And so instead of questioning him and his lack of parental skills, "why don't I be a mother and put the kids to bed??" And that was just the beginning of a very steep spiral downwards.

After ignoring my pleas to stop until the kids were in bed, I was forced to call in backup. This is where it turns ugly. To keep it more short and sweet, this guy went ape on everyone. Straw number: enough. The camel collapsed. I took the kids to my neighbor's, and called the police so I could gather some things. Of course I got a plethora of obnoxious and victimized, abusive messages. I'm used to it. But what I also got was the courage to stay as far away from this situation as humanly possible.

I know it's still early to say I've beaten the odds, because statistically, the majority of women in this type of situation go back, but I'm determined. I don't love him. I don't need him. And I don't want him tearing me down, in general and in front of my kids. I always hoped he'd get well, but I also always knew he was sick. I actually still hope he gets well because, in my opinion, children need both parents. But only when he's able to be such.

So a week down, and I'm feeling disgusting. I feel like I'm living out of a car. I feel like a slob. I haven't gone to the gym. I haven't done anything. I haven't slept. The kids are sick. They are displaced. They are tired. I've barely eaten. I have no idea how I'm going to do it financially. But, through it all, I'm positive. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know the future holds great things for me and my kids. I know it could be a lot worse. And I know the lack of comfort is building my strength and character so I can be a better parent and a better person.

I was given the idea to do a bucket list, which is something I'll elaborate more on next time, and immediately wondered what grandiose things I wanted to add to it. Still, I haven't started it, but I have thought long and hard. My bucket list so far consists of: getting my own apartment for my kids and me; buying an economical car for us; relinquishing and maintaining meaningful relationships with friends and family whom I respect and are positive forces in my life; proving to my boss and myself that I'm capable and able to excel in what I do, even if it's out of my comfort zone; and finally, basically be able to financially maintain a healthy and well-groomed house full of happy babies and a happy mama. I think after that, the other aspects of my bucket list will fall into place.

Do not misinterpret this posting. I am not lacking in self esteem. I'm not sad, in most meanings of the term. I am extremely proud of myself, and I know that these sloppy days of displacement are temporary, and that I am smart and capable enough to pull right out of this like a jet pilot at an air show. It's just a loop in life, and I can't wait to be the happy, laid back, fun-loving person I have repressed for so long. I'm free.

Mr. Ed Would Turn In His Grave

I think its funny how we go from a world so consumed with terrorism and child kidnapping and the rising cost of gas on the upwards of five dollars, to a new president and all that seems to be consuming us Americans now is medical animal testing. I've heard on two separate news productions today about the controversy of bunnies and mousies and other cuddly creatures that, by the way, aren't cuddled all that much by these people screaming, being used to find the way to save a HUMAN life from cancer. Now, I know about PETA, and I'm with them. Animals should not die to be a coat, bag, shoes, or hat. Absolutely not!! I also think rabbits shouldn't have shampoo poured in their eyeballs to see what kind of reaction someone will have washing their hair in the shower. If it sounds harmful, and we don't immediately know that its not poison, I think it shouldn't be in our products!!

I know what all two of my readers are thinking....oh no. Not Arbonne. I'm not writing a commercial. Very contrary actually. This is political for me. But as much as I think the Easter Bunny shouldn't be forced to lather in Pantene, I also think animals shouldn't be part of our products. Read the ingredients to your vitamins. You know what they use to mold your One a Days??? Cow intestines. The inner ear of Mr. Ed. Tendons of Babe. Otherwise known as gelatin. That's disgusting. And not only is it in OUR vitamins, but check your gummy bear vitabites for the stinkys. Yep, one of the first 5 ingredients. If you're okay with that because you think, "cheeseburger....gelatin...what's the difference??" then take a big bite of large intestine between two buns and a piece of cheese. Make sure to have a lot of ketchup on hand for the yummy taste you will most definitely have to mask. That's not where it starts or ends. Mascara=bat feces. Soap=lipo fat+roadkill. If you don't believe me, google it. Hell, watch the Fight Club. All I'm saying is if you love your pet, stop using them to pretend your prettier than you are!!

Now on to a different prominent point. There is a difference between lotion and the cure to cancer. I'm willing to donate my cats if I know that with that help my mom/sister/grandma would be alive and 100% healthy today. And I really love my cats. But they're cats, people. They are not humans. If I let my cats out, they wouldn't find their own food. They'd starve. They wouldn't get a job and function in society because, basically, THEY'RE CATS. They aren't people. People dominate. People are more important naturally. I would not allow a guy in a lab coat to test a new spa soak on Miss Universe. There's a difference between life and death and lazy or put together. So all the freaks that put animals on the same life scale or even higher than human beings are just that..freaks.

And that leads to the last point. How do we make sure that animals aren't being shampooed and are instead, living normal PET lives or being useful in finding cures to diseases?? We would have to put that in the hands of the leader of our country. But all I've heard is the changes to credit card application mailers. Changes to how we treat the assholes who blew up all of our loved ones and heroes in NY on 9/11/01. And I voted for this president. I wanted...want reform. But I wonder exactly whats going on when the main topic on news programs is animal testing. Who freakin' cares about the Capital One applications we get 12 times a week in the mail?? We all know they're ridiculously expensive once you calculate the interest. You either care and throw them away, or don't and fill them out.

Its really becoming apparent how political everything is. Everything was TERRIBLE when W was in charge. Not only was it because he became a kook and just failed to make any educated decisions towards the end, but because of just that. It was the end. He couldn't have been president again if he drugged all the voters. Just not legal. Therefore, we see how terrible our society really is at the end of a bad presidency. Teachers seducing children. Mass murders. Terrorism. Even our pocketbooks depleting. What's changed now that we have our first black president?? Umm.......Nothing!! We're even further in debt. There's still terrorism but for some reason, we have to treat them better than our bunny friends. There are still people dying left and right from something we can reform. I really had hope in Obama, but he better step up. I don't want to have to worry about how animals are being treated anymore. Leave them alone unless they can give you the cure to whats incurable now. And lets start making solutions.

Communists Are People Too

I am so apalled, yet not surprised by the ignorance of the American people. When did a Democracy turn into a race war?? When did it become okay for anyone to take anybody else's Constitutional rights away?? As much as these ignoramus' talk big, over 60 percent of the votes for Obama came from white people, including myself. But what everyone doesn't know is that 2 generations up in my family were repressed because they were Native American. Not half. Not three quarters, but full blooded. And they were fighting for their rights to remain in their own land. Amazing. That's because white is right. Which, in turn, leads into white men being the only one's with any worthy opinions.



I've been reading many blogs and comments on all the political turns that came about as of the Fourth of this month. There are so many people going on and on about why California's Prop 8 should have had the outcome it eventually did have. And are you freaking kidding me????!!!! For one thing, if you are going to make a clearly blind, uneducated statement, at least spell your comments right. If you can't spell a four letter word correctly, you really shouldn't be allowed to vote. Secondly, at this point, if we are at will to decide who is allowed to have Constitutional rights, why do women work?? Why do women vote?? Why do women talk when they weren't spoken to?? A woman's place is in the kitchen and the bedroom. So please lets stick to what worked for so long. Change is overrated.



And as for a Black president....who'da thunk it?? Not too long ago, blacks were fighting for equal rights. Not straight blacks. Not gay blacks. Not transsexual blacks. No one even saw past the BLACK part. And now there is a black guy running this super power we call America. Shouldn't it take 3 black men to make up one white president?? NO. Because like a very intelligent man once said: "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that "All men are created equal" Equal. What a baffling concept. You mean to tell me because my skin is light and I have blond hair and blue eyes that I'm not any better than those guys?? You mean because I don't have a weiner, I'm no less obligated to my God given rights as anyone else?? Fooey!!



And now, since 50+ years have gone by and us ignorant white folks have gotten more and more comfortable allowing blacks (and other minorities) and women in our personal space, now we have to dig deeper. Now, to hell with the gays. Men, women, black, white. If you're gay you aren't worthy of the rights of us equals, ya hear me?! Because I wouldn't choose to do what you choose to do with your personal life, then you are banished!! Oh and by the way, if you're gay, you shouldn't be voting either. Or making the same salary as us straighties. And actually, you really should not be integrated with the rest of society because what if you start telling people things about being gay?? The someone might catch "Gaybella" and then there will be an outbreak, and then we'll just have to accept the Apocalypse has risen. And we all know God loves me more than you cuz I'm straight!! The alcohol, the occasional sex-out-of-wedlock, that's nothing...CUZ I'M STRAIGHT!! OOOOHAHAHAHAHA



So here's the tall and short of it all. I have no gay friends (that I know of). Family, no. I worked with a lesbian once, but even though it was blatantly obvious, she wasn't out because of fear she would be harassed or not accepted. (I don't know for sure, but I figure that's the only reason gays don't come out.) I have no vested interest in homosexuals. And, I believe in God. But I also believe that you can't just pass out rights to whoever you think is worthy and take rights away from those that aren't. Who are you anyways?? God?? All these people talk about how God wanted it and what God stands for, and then they act and think they are as good as Him?? Uh-huh. Last time I checked, that is not the "Christian" way. If there wasn't change there wouldn't be progress. I have the right to vote, to free-speech, to have my own religion, to drink wine all because someone who didn't have these rights before made an impact on someone who did. If these "high-and-mighty" Christians "allow" other religions to be practiced in the US, than why is choosing to have a sexual relationship with the same sex so wrong?? I'm not posting this to change anyone because the Good Lord knows even though I'm smart and work out, I can't make anybody be anything other than them. (I've failed miserably enough times!!) But please, practice what rights you've got still, because who knows when they'll be taken away.