Yes, another hiatus. This time I have an excuse. I have plenty ideas, so that's not it. I need serious therapy, so that's not it either. No. Instead, I've finally gotten out. I've gotten out of the toxicity. I've gotten out of being the victim. I've gotten out of the "tolerable" hell I've been in for so long that it felt normal.
The camel's back got broken. And believe me, I think everyone knew it was going to happen. There was that typical build-up. The kind they teach you to use when writing a good story. The kind I've seen over and over again, if not in my own situation, in those of my troubled loved ones. Money was tight. I'd become physically healthier than I'd been in a while. I got my own job. Gasp. The stress of all of that is maddening, right?? Well, if you are a person with very little self esteem, a drug and alcohol problem, colleagues and/or family and friends enabling, and quite possibly an undiagnosed mental illness, it is.
Somehow, some financial stress mixed with my own gaining independence became a devil of infinite proportions. Because, no one else in the universe had financial stress. No one else knows what it's like to give up a little. To save. To live like, well, a poor person for a little while. Of course, I'm being sarcastic, but sadly, this is how he felt. At least that's what I'm assuming to make my own monster seem much more human.
Needless to say, I don't have all the details. The Big Man and I stopped talking about real things years ago. I've tried, to no avail. He, I guess, just doesn't know how it works. The whole talking thing. Instead, I find 12 random shot bottles of vodka in his trash at work. He comes home from work reeking of booze, barely able to walk straight, refusing to admit to one tiny taste of anything alcoholic. He's irate at the thought of me talking on my phone. Because, I've never had to deal with any of these circumstances before. I'm sure I'm dumb enough to believe he was just tired, and overworked. At a "job" where he's self-employed and I've witnessed his mostly lack-of-work first hand.
No, I'm sorry. This isn't my first rodeo. And even if it were, I've been to God-Knows-How-Many growing up. We'll call this the twelfth straw. And yes, I'm completely comfortable documenting this, for one: this is MY platform. Where I can say what I want; you can judge me or not; we breathe in and move on. And two: out of 8 years and multiple pleadings to read my blog and tell me what he thought, he'd been interested enough to do it never. Okay, he tried once and got less than halfway through and told me my writing was much to textbook style and that no one would want to read it. So amongst everything, I'm quite comfortable documenting this.
So, in accurate form and grace, the lying and paranoid accusations grew. Obviously I was dating a trainer. Why else would I go to the gym. And obviously there was more payoff than just health, I must be dating other random men. And obviously I'm having orgies because I'm working somewhere away from him and being happier and more independent than I have been in ages. It makes sense. So instead of taking these insecurities and using them as anything remotely close to a positive as he could; say...working out to thin down, working out to clear his mind, becoming healthy to be in control of his financial decisions, etc; why not drink himself to oblivion daily. But I don't think that's the extent of it. Although he was angry enough with just alcohol, he began smoking an immense amount of marijuana, which generally, in my knowledge, will calm you down and mellow you out, neither of which was the case. But, he was left to his own devices for 8 hours out of the day now. No more babysitter, and we all know, when the cats' away, the mice will play. His behavior began to emulate that of which he had when I met him. Back when I found out he wasn't just unbalanced, but was also using meth.
Now is not the time for lectures, folks. I'm the first one to say good, clean people don't stay with druggies unless they do some themselves. That is the furthest thing from my case. You'll see, from my previous blogs, the addict lifestyle is what I was raised in. It took so much from me. Loved ones. Self esteem. My life. I didn't have to do drugs to feel it's anguish. I already knew it very well. And this was why, in good political fashion, it was my mission to clean up every druggie, one by one, and prove to them and to the world that they can do it and that I can help! Got me pretty far, I'd say. Two kids and right smack dab back where I started.
But back to the point. This series of unhealthy events led up to a Monday night, much like that of many other nights. He's in charge of the kids while I do something for myself. Said something being going to the gym like I do every Monday. And the five-minutes-ago guy who wanted a hug turned into a paranoid asshole, recklessly trying to prove that I'm cheating on him, all in front of the kids. Mind you, this happens nearly daily. I explain, as always, that this is something we can talk about later after I get back and the kids go to bed, but he doesn't back down. He persists, in fact. He knows how to push every button, until I'm defending myself from these made up actions. It's literally crazy. But finally, I leave for the gym, with fear in my heart that those were the hands of an incapable parent in charge of my children. And I was right.
I got home to an excessively inebriated person, blaring my running playlist (mostly club-quality songs)at 9:20pm with two very tired but very awake children in the living room. This was the norm on Mondays and Wednesdays. He had apparently forgotten how to put the kids to bed. And so instead of questioning him and his lack of parental skills, "why don't I be a mother and put the kids to bed??" And that was just the beginning of a very steep spiral downwards.
After ignoring my pleas to stop until the kids were in bed, I was forced to call in backup. This is where it turns ugly. To keep it more short and sweet, this guy went ape on everyone. Straw number: enough. The camel collapsed. I took the kids to my neighbor's, and called the police so I could gather some things. Of course I got a plethora of obnoxious and victimized, abusive messages. I'm used to it. But what I also got was the courage to stay as far away from this situation as humanly possible.
I know it's still early to say I've beaten the odds, because statistically, the majority of women in this type of situation go back, but I'm determined. I don't love him. I don't need him. And I don't want him tearing me down, in general and in front of my kids. I always hoped he'd get well, but I also always knew he was sick. I actually still hope he gets well because, in my opinion, children need both parents. But only when he's able to be such.
So a week down, and I'm feeling disgusting. I feel like I'm living out of a car. I feel like a slob. I haven't gone to the gym. I haven't done anything. I haven't slept. The kids are sick. They are displaced. They are tired. I've barely eaten. I have no idea how I'm going to do it financially. But, through it all, I'm positive. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know the future holds great things for me and my kids. I know it could be a lot worse. And I know the lack of comfort is building my strength and character so I can be a better parent and a better person.
I was given the idea to do a bucket list, which is something I'll elaborate more on next time, and immediately wondered what grandiose things I wanted to add to it. Still, I haven't started it, but I have thought long and hard. My bucket list so far consists of: getting my own apartment for my kids and me; buying an economical car for us; relinquishing and maintaining meaningful relationships with friends and family whom I respect and are positive forces in my life; proving to my boss and myself that I'm capable and able to excel in what I do, even if it's out of my comfort zone; and finally, basically be able to financially maintain a healthy and well-groomed house full of happy babies and a happy mama. I think after that, the other aspects of my bucket list will fall into place.
Do not misinterpret this posting. I am not lacking in self esteem. I'm not sad, in most meanings of the term. I am extremely proud of myself, and I know that these sloppy days of displacement are temporary, and that I am smart and capable enough to pull right out of this like a jet pilot at an air show. It's just a loop in life, and I can't wait to be the happy, laid back, fun-loving person I have repressed for so long. I'm free.
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Your Workout is My Warmup
A good friend told me "Today is your day!" So I started to really think about it. I have been so consumed with 2012 being my year, that I have been sitting around, counting the minutes of the rest of 2011. I've been lolly-gagging the last week of the year, because 2012 is my year. Not the last week of 2011. That is just the end of a not-my-year year, right?! It doesn't have to be, as I now realize.
So my New Year starts today; December 29, 2011. I am not going to just beg for the days to go by faster so that "My Year" starts sooner. That would mean that these days of my kids being as little and fun as they are would be swept under the rug. My organization practice and figuring out how to fit everything I want to do in my days would be delayed. Today would mean nothing. What kind of living is that??
My first order of business is to make my heart and head lighter. To illustrate my ideas and feelings. To give myself more esteem. I decided, today, to be insightful and inspirational, if not for others, for myself. I want to be the best person, daily, that I am able to be. I want to be organized. I want to be put-together. I want to be well-read and sound educated when I converse. These are all things, that during 2011, I've felt were not maintained at an acceptable level. And, as my 4 year old Stinkyface looks more and more like a 14 year old, both in appearance and in communicative and educational skills, I've decided this is more than a priority. This is necessary. I have to be the best person I can be, so that she will do the same.
I started to think about what it was like to be young, so I can relate more to what it is I'm teaching Stinkyface through my actions. I remember being consumed with my physical appearance and obsessing over my education and wit when I felt inadequate physically. Not healthy!! I went through months of anorexia, bulimia, and other unfortunate "dieting" routines so I could fit into society's and my own ideas of beauty. I worked out incessantly and played sports until I passed out. This is most of what I remember about being young. I, still, have moments of insecurity where I think aloud about how awful the food I eat is for me or that I have to run more because of insert-fat-body-part-here. I would devote myself to books, not because I enjoyed to read, but instead to have more knowledge about everything than anyone else. That way, when someone thought I was ugly or fat, at least they would think I was the smartest person they knew.
I definitely do not want Stinkyface, or her brother for that matter, to have these skewed and unhealthy ideals. I don't want to promote obsessive, extreme behaviors at all, especially when it has to do with health. So, as many of those close to me know, I've taken up boxing. It has become my therapist's office. I can give it all up there. I can be aggressive. I can push myself until I break. And I can pick myself back up and be proud of what I did. I'm not the best or strongest, but it doesn't matter. I'm committed and I finish every class.
But what is lacking from my personal physical approval is my diet. Sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm off, which not only messes with my energy level, but also makes me less confident and more inhibited, which utterly ends in the demise of my goals. These are the same issues so many women battle on a daily basis, due to societal view of beauty and physicality. And I'm hoping through being more committed to a healthier diet, whether I do or I don't have the body of my dreams, I will have the confidence of my dreams, and teach my children to have the same, and maybe even some other women who come across my writing. And these mini goals give me a whole new window of opportunity for my own personal growth.
Not to overwhelm myself, I've decided to focus primarily on this today, the beginning of my new year. So far, I've been successful (of course it's only 11am, but lets stay positive!!) and I feel great about it. I feel like I'm stronger, both inside and out. I've decided to keep a fit book, to hold me responsible, and also make it easier for me to understand and deal with things I would have normally beat myself up about in the past. This way, my kids will learn to deal with ups and downs instead of compulsively try to change whatever-it-is in any means possible. I can't wait to see where these commitments will lead me in a week; a month; even next year!! And I hope to share the journey with all of you, and hear about your own personal journeys, about diet and exercise, or any other obstacles keeping you from your personal best!!
So my New Year starts today; December 29, 2011. I am not going to just beg for the days to go by faster so that "My Year" starts sooner. That would mean that these days of my kids being as little and fun as they are would be swept under the rug. My organization practice and figuring out how to fit everything I want to do in my days would be delayed. Today would mean nothing. What kind of living is that??
My first order of business is to make my heart and head lighter. To illustrate my ideas and feelings. To give myself more esteem. I decided, today, to be insightful and inspirational, if not for others, for myself. I want to be the best person, daily, that I am able to be. I want to be organized. I want to be put-together. I want to be well-read and sound educated when I converse. These are all things, that during 2011, I've felt were not maintained at an acceptable level. And, as my 4 year old Stinkyface looks more and more like a 14 year old, both in appearance and in communicative and educational skills, I've decided this is more than a priority. This is necessary. I have to be the best person I can be, so that she will do the same.
I started to think about what it was like to be young, so I can relate more to what it is I'm teaching Stinkyface through my actions. I remember being consumed with my physical appearance and obsessing over my education and wit when I felt inadequate physically. Not healthy!! I went through months of anorexia, bulimia, and other unfortunate "dieting" routines so I could fit into society's and my own ideas of beauty. I worked out incessantly and played sports until I passed out. This is most of what I remember about being young. I, still, have moments of insecurity where I think aloud about how awful the food I eat is for me or that I have to run more because of insert-fat-body-part-here. I would devote myself to books, not because I enjoyed to read, but instead to have more knowledge about everything than anyone else. That way, when someone thought I was ugly or fat, at least they would think I was the smartest person they knew.
I definitely do not want Stinkyface, or her brother for that matter, to have these skewed and unhealthy ideals. I don't want to promote obsessive, extreme behaviors at all, especially when it has to do with health. So, as many of those close to me know, I've taken up boxing. It has become my therapist's office. I can give it all up there. I can be aggressive. I can push myself until I break. And I can pick myself back up and be proud of what I did. I'm not the best or strongest, but it doesn't matter. I'm committed and I finish every class.
But what is lacking from my personal physical approval is my diet. Sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm off, which not only messes with my energy level, but also makes me less confident and more inhibited, which utterly ends in the demise of my goals. These are the same issues so many women battle on a daily basis, due to societal view of beauty and physicality. And I'm hoping through being more committed to a healthier diet, whether I do or I don't have the body of my dreams, I will have the confidence of my dreams, and teach my children to have the same, and maybe even some other women who come across my writing. And these mini goals give me a whole new window of opportunity for my own personal growth.
Not to overwhelm myself, I've decided to focus primarily on this today, the beginning of my new year. So far, I've been successful (of course it's only 11am, but lets stay positive!!) and I feel great about it. I feel like I'm stronger, both inside and out. I've decided to keep a fit book, to hold me responsible, and also make it easier for me to understand and deal with things I would have normally beat myself up about in the past. This way, my kids will learn to deal with ups and downs instead of compulsively try to change whatever-it-is in any means possible. I can't wait to see where these commitments will lead me in a week; a month; even next year!! And I hope to share the journey with all of you, and hear about your own personal journeys, about diet and exercise, or any other obstacles keeping you from your personal best!!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Mr. Ed Would Turn In His Grave
I think its funny how we go from a world so consumed with terrorism and child kidnapping and the rising cost of gas on the upwards of five dollars, to a new president and all that seems to be consuming us Americans now is medical animal testing. I've heard on two separate news productions today about the controversy of bunnies and mousies and other cuddly creatures that, by the way, aren't cuddled all that much by these people screaming, being used to find the way to save a HUMAN life from cancer. Now, I know about PETA, and I'm with them. Animals should not die to be a coat, bag, shoes, or hat. Absolutely not!! I also think rabbits shouldn't have shampoo poured in their eyeballs to see what kind of reaction someone will have washing their hair in the shower. If it sounds harmful, and we don't immediately know that its not poison, I think it shouldn't be in our products!!
I know what all two of my readers are thinking....oh no. Not Arbonne. I'm not writing a commercial. Very contrary actually. This is political for me. But as much as I think the Easter Bunny shouldn't be forced to lather in Pantene, I also think animals shouldn't be part of our products. Read the ingredients to your vitamins. You know what they use to mold your One a Days??? Cow intestines. The inner ear of Mr. Ed. Tendons of Babe. Otherwise known as gelatin. That's disgusting. And not only is it in OUR vitamins, but check your gummy bear vitabites for the stinkys. Yep, one of the first 5 ingredients. If you're okay with that because you think, "cheeseburger....gelatin...what's the difference??" then take a big bite of large intestine between two buns and a piece of cheese. Make sure to have a lot of ketchup on hand for the yummy taste you will most definitely have to mask. That's not where it starts or ends. Mascara=bat feces. Soap=lipo fat+roadkill. If you don't believe me, google it. Hell, watch the Fight Club. All I'm saying is if you love your pet, stop using them to pretend your prettier than you are!!
Now on to a different prominent point. There is a difference between lotion and the cure to cancer. I'm willing to donate my cats if I know that with that help my mom/sister/grandma would be alive and 100% healthy today. And I really love my cats. But they're cats, people. They are not humans. If I let my cats out, they wouldn't find their own food. They'd starve. They wouldn't get a job and function in society because, basically, THEY'RE CATS. They aren't people. People dominate. People are more important naturally. I would not allow a guy in a lab coat to test a new spa soak on Miss Universe. There's a difference between life and death and lazy or put together. So all the freaks that put animals on the same life scale or even higher than human beings are just that..freaks.
And that leads to the last point. How do we make sure that animals aren't being shampooed and are instead, living normal PET lives or being useful in finding cures to diseases?? We would have to put that in the hands of the leader of our country. But all I've heard is the changes to credit card application mailers. Changes to how we treat the assholes who blew up all of our loved ones and heroes in NY on 9/11/01. And I voted for this president. I wanted...want reform. But I wonder exactly whats going on when the main topic on news programs is animal testing. Who freakin' cares about the Capital One applications we get 12 times a week in the mail?? We all know they're ridiculously expensive once you calculate the interest. You either care and throw them away, or don't and fill them out.
Its really becoming apparent how political everything is. Everything was TERRIBLE when W was in charge. Not only was it because he became a kook and just failed to make any educated decisions towards the end, but because of just that. It was the end. He couldn't have been president again if he drugged all the voters. Just not legal. Therefore, we see how terrible our society really is at the end of a bad presidency. Teachers seducing children. Mass murders. Terrorism. Even our pocketbooks depleting. What's changed now that we have our first black president?? Umm.......Nothing!! We're even further in debt. There's still terrorism but for some reason, we have to treat them better than our bunny friends. There are still people dying left and right from something we can reform. I really had hope in Obama, but he better step up. I don't want to have to worry about how animals are being treated anymore. Leave them alone unless they can give you the cure to whats incurable now. And lets start making solutions.
I know what all two of my readers are thinking....oh no. Not Arbonne. I'm not writing a commercial. Very contrary actually. This is political for me. But as much as I think the Easter Bunny shouldn't be forced to lather in Pantene, I also think animals shouldn't be part of our products. Read the ingredients to your vitamins. You know what they use to mold your One a Days??? Cow intestines. The inner ear of Mr. Ed. Tendons of Babe. Otherwise known as gelatin. That's disgusting. And not only is it in OUR vitamins, but check your gummy bear vitabites for the stinkys. Yep, one of the first 5 ingredients. If you're okay with that because you think, "cheeseburger....gelatin...what's the difference??" then take a big bite of large intestine between two buns and a piece of cheese. Make sure to have a lot of ketchup on hand for the yummy taste you will most definitely have to mask. That's not where it starts or ends. Mascara=bat feces. Soap=lipo fat+roadkill. If you don't believe me, google it. Hell, watch the Fight Club. All I'm saying is if you love your pet, stop using them to pretend your prettier than you are!!
Now on to a different prominent point. There is a difference between lotion and the cure to cancer. I'm willing to donate my cats if I know that with that help my mom/sister/grandma would be alive and 100% healthy today. And I really love my cats. But they're cats, people. They are not humans. If I let my cats out, they wouldn't find their own food. They'd starve. They wouldn't get a job and function in society because, basically, THEY'RE CATS. They aren't people. People dominate. People are more important naturally. I would not allow a guy in a lab coat to test a new spa soak on Miss Universe. There's a difference between life and death and lazy or put together. So all the freaks that put animals on the same life scale or even higher than human beings are just that..freaks.
And that leads to the last point. How do we make sure that animals aren't being shampooed and are instead, living normal PET lives or being useful in finding cures to diseases?? We would have to put that in the hands of the leader of our country. But all I've heard is the changes to credit card application mailers. Changes to how we treat the assholes who blew up all of our loved ones and heroes in NY on 9/11/01. And I voted for this president. I wanted...want reform. But I wonder exactly whats going on when the main topic on news programs is animal testing. Who freakin' cares about the Capital One applications we get 12 times a week in the mail?? We all know they're ridiculously expensive once you calculate the interest. You either care and throw them away, or don't and fill them out.
Its really becoming apparent how political everything is. Everything was TERRIBLE when W was in charge. Not only was it because he became a kook and just failed to make any educated decisions towards the end, but because of just that. It was the end. He couldn't have been president again if he drugged all the voters. Just not legal. Therefore, we see how terrible our society really is at the end of a bad presidency. Teachers seducing children. Mass murders. Terrorism. Even our pocketbooks depleting. What's changed now that we have our first black president?? Umm.......Nothing!! We're even further in debt. There's still terrorism but for some reason, we have to treat them better than our bunny friends. There are still people dying left and right from something we can reform. I really had hope in Obama, but he better step up. I don't want to have to worry about how animals are being treated anymore. Leave them alone unless they can give you the cure to whats incurable now. And lets start making solutions.
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