I've been on a journey. Not an icy, slippery hike to the top of Mt. Whatsoever kind of journey. Not a time-skipping, Back to the Future kind of journey. More of an "Oh! That's who I am," kind of journey. A bright light bulb that has just begun shining kind of journey. I've spent months getting reunited with myself. I've rediscovered things I always thought to be true about myself, but lost along the cobblestone path of life. I've come to grips with ideas that I've spent years trying to disprove. I've even learned new things that I don't recall ever realizing in the first place. My journey is an internal discovery of myself and those surrounding me. And it's been everything I could possibly wish it to be.
As a child, I remember truly respecting certain ideas of my dad's. Not many, as he is a stubborn, closed minded, grown child of the Forties, but definitely some. More specifically, I respected that he didn't lie. He was always honest and unapologetic. He was who he was, and nothing anybody thought or said put a dent in his attitude or self-esteem. At least, not on the outside. But, in hindsight, any of that was probably shielded by the unforgiving alcoholism. Needless to say, I held on to the idea that "I am who I am" and nothing or no one could break that. And I never felt a need to hide anything, or lie, thanks to this guardian wall.
As a teenager, these ideals inherited from my father stuck with me like a patch that was superglued to my sleeve. I had focused so much on these ideas for years, most likely so I didn't actually have to deal with any of the dysfunction that surrounding me, but probably even moreso I didn't have to deal with how dysfunctional the dysfunction made me. It became my velvet ribbon, so as to tie my head on straight in order to make it through day to day life. It was these lucrative years that I focused on how being independent and self sufficient made me feel, as opposed to being dependent on someone else for my means, esteem, and even sanity. Back then I believed I was smart, creative and talented. These feelings somehow turned to mush and absorbed into the mist of the daily routine once I became a young adult.
At some point, for the sake of anonymity, my dysfunction moved to the fore-front when it was pushed and prodded by other people's insecurities. I lost my common sense, it seemed. Another emphasized needed quality by my dad. I lost my self esteem. I lost my beliefs about myself. I disappeared.
I've had mountains and valleys of growth and recovery over the last couple of years. It's been rocky. Foggy. Clear. Humid. The odyssey, in its entirety, has been one of all seasons and storms. All silences and calms. And the last few months have emerged as the pith of my journey. I've regained my personal independence and been challenged intellectually. I've learned my position among others and how to play well together. I've overcome insecurities and learned that I desire to trudge forward even further to see exactly how far I can go.
I am who I am. I'm not ashamed of it. I am smart. I am creative. I am talented. Each of these to an extent I'm unsure of. Maybe ever growing. I enjoy my alone time - what writer doesn't?? But there's more. I'm dark. Not in the Twilight kind of dark. Not in the emo-goth kind of dark. More in the spooky, passionate kind of dark. The dark that is overwhelmed by light most of the time, but waits there in the shadows, for the perfect time to take over and compel. I'm also funny. Not in the always entertaining physical hilarity Chris Farley is so well known for. And not because I'm awkward. But because I just happen to be genuinely witty and enjoy, myself, to laugh. At least, that's what I tell myself.
All of these newly re-realizations are evolving me into the person I know I was always supposed to be. The person I've been told I was supposed to be. The person I've fought off trying to become. And I am inspired to see what new lands this journey will continue to take me to. I am inspired to see what kind of creativity will emerge. I'm inspired to see what kind of sister I will be. I'm inspired.
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Webster Has Nothing On Me
Yes, I haven't blogged in a handful of days. And yes, that's not keeping up with my resolution. As a matter of fact, the first week of my year (aka 2012) hasn't gone anywhere near the way I wanted or expected it to. But I'm not going to let that define me.
2012. My Year. Supposed to be the year of opportunity and experience. The year I learn who I am. The year I learn what I want. The year I learn what I want to surround myself with. So, how has the last week and a half gone?? A good friend suffered a brain aneurysm, and is fighting, still, to overcome it. My aunt passed away. My brother-in-law and niece and nephew got hit by a drunk driver while on a bike ride through their neighborhood. Yes, I'd say that's less than a positive start to the year. But I'm not going to let that define me.
Trying to keep a positive outlook through all of my experiences, I continually remind myself to look for the opportunity in each experience, no matter how hard it may be to see. To keep my eyes and my mind open. Because what seems like the end of the world could quite possibly be the beginning of something amazing. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe this year. So at first thought, I think, "Dang, didn't keep to my resolutions. Of course!" But, that's not true. I have all year to try to maintain these changes; all year to keep trying to do better. Be better. So, I'm not going to let that define me.
I've decided that as I see myself slipping back into the norm; into what's easy and comfortable, that I'm not going to see that as a failure. Instead, I'm going to notice myself doing these things and...wait for it...CHANGE THEM. It's a minor setback, not a way of life. I refuse to let this define me.
So now, I vow, again, to push myself harder and make the resolutions I set become habitual. I vow to make myself the best I can be in 2012. I vow to, even when I feel like I might break, to push on. Which brings me to something I've held onto since the last time I attended church.
Preface: I consider myself to be a Christian. Not a hardcore Christian. Not a Bible-thumper. Not a Jesus-freak. Just a Christian who is spiritual. I believe in God. I believe in ethics. I believe in the Bible. I don't attend church regularly; not because I don't want to, but just because I don't feel like it's imperative to go to church every week to have a relationship with God. Although, I do think it's important to get to church once in a while to be a part of a congregation.
Anyway, the last time I went to church, I was in a hard place. So, accordingly, it seemed as if the sermon was constructed completely around me. What I remember the most from it, was something along the lines of God wants you to push yourself to the point that you feel like you might break, so that in that moment you realize you didn't, in his grace, and you will have proved your faith and become a stronger person. Again, I'm not well-versed in the Bible, but that's what I got out of it. To not quit. To keep pushing, even if you feel you might break. To not let the struggle define you.
At first, I engulfed myself in the message. I repeated it again and again on mile 6 and 7 of Sunday uphill runs. I repeated it when it seemed like there were no answers. I repeated it when I thought I might break. And I felt so amazing when I pushed through the struggle, only to realize that wasn't the end for me, whether it be the run, the fight, the story. There's more. And recently, this message has crept back into my mind. Not as dramatic or extreme, but subtle. The way I think I need to hear it right now. Saying that just because I haven't run in a while, or because I haven't pushed myself to breaking in boxing, or I haven't exhausted myself detailing my home, doesn't mean that I've failed to keep my resolutions. I will not let that define me.
I will, however, let the fact that I am renewing my faith in myself and in God; that I will change today and hold true to who I want to be, define me. I'm determined. I'm optimistic. I'm faithful. I will make sure, no matter what happens, that 2012 will be my year. My year of years to come. I will not give up, and I will push past that breaking point, and prove to myself and everyone else that I can do it. I will prove I can do anything. This is what will define me.
2012. My Year. Supposed to be the year of opportunity and experience. The year I learn who I am. The year I learn what I want. The year I learn what I want to surround myself with. So, how has the last week and a half gone?? A good friend suffered a brain aneurysm, and is fighting, still, to overcome it. My aunt passed away. My brother-in-law and niece and nephew got hit by a drunk driver while on a bike ride through their neighborhood. Yes, I'd say that's less than a positive start to the year. But I'm not going to let that define me.
Trying to keep a positive outlook through all of my experiences, I continually remind myself to look for the opportunity in each experience, no matter how hard it may be to see. To keep my eyes and my mind open. Because what seems like the end of the world could quite possibly be the beginning of something amazing. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe this year. So at first thought, I think, "Dang, didn't keep to my resolutions. Of course!" But, that's not true. I have all year to try to maintain these changes; all year to keep trying to do better. Be better. So, I'm not going to let that define me.
I've decided that as I see myself slipping back into the norm; into what's easy and comfortable, that I'm not going to see that as a failure. Instead, I'm going to notice myself doing these things and...wait for it...CHANGE THEM. It's a minor setback, not a way of life. I refuse to let this define me.
So now, I vow, again, to push myself harder and make the resolutions I set become habitual. I vow to make myself the best I can be in 2012. I vow to, even when I feel like I might break, to push on. Which brings me to something I've held onto since the last time I attended church.
Preface: I consider myself to be a Christian. Not a hardcore Christian. Not a Bible-thumper. Not a Jesus-freak. Just a Christian who is spiritual. I believe in God. I believe in ethics. I believe in the Bible. I don't attend church regularly; not because I don't want to, but just because I don't feel like it's imperative to go to church every week to have a relationship with God. Although, I do think it's important to get to church once in a while to be a part of a congregation.
Anyway, the last time I went to church, I was in a hard place. So, accordingly, it seemed as if the sermon was constructed completely around me. What I remember the most from it, was something along the lines of God wants you to push yourself to the point that you feel like you might break, so that in that moment you realize you didn't, in his grace, and you will have proved your faith and become a stronger person. Again, I'm not well-versed in the Bible, but that's what I got out of it. To not quit. To keep pushing, even if you feel you might break. To not let the struggle define you.
At first, I engulfed myself in the message. I repeated it again and again on mile 6 and 7 of Sunday uphill runs. I repeated it when it seemed like there were no answers. I repeated it when I thought I might break. And I felt so amazing when I pushed through the struggle, only to realize that wasn't the end for me, whether it be the run, the fight, the story. There's more. And recently, this message has crept back into my mind. Not as dramatic or extreme, but subtle. The way I think I need to hear it right now. Saying that just because I haven't run in a while, or because I haven't pushed myself to breaking in boxing, or I haven't exhausted myself detailing my home, doesn't mean that I've failed to keep my resolutions. I will not let that define me.
I will, however, let the fact that I am renewing my faith in myself and in God; that I will change today and hold true to who I want to be, define me. I'm determined. I'm optimistic. I'm faithful. I will make sure, no matter what happens, that 2012 will be my year. My year of years to come. I will not give up, and I will push past that breaking point, and prove to myself and everyone else that I can do it. I will prove I can do anything. This is what will define me.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Your Workout is My Warmup
A good friend told me "Today is your day!" So I started to really think about it. I have been so consumed with 2012 being my year, that I have been sitting around, counting the minutes of the rest of 2011. I've been lolly-gagging the last week of the year, because 2012 is my year. Not the last week of 2011. That is just the end of a not-my-year year, right?! It doesn't have to be, as I now realize.
So my New Year starts today; December 29, 2011. I am not going to just beg for the days to go by faster so that "My Year" starts sooner. That would mean that these days of my kids being as little and fun as they are would be swept under the rug. My organization practice and figuring out how to fit everything I want to do in my days would be delayed. Today would mean nothing. What kind of living is that??
My first order of business is to make my heart and head lighter. To illustrate my ideas and feelings. To give myself more esteem. I decided, today, to be insightful and inspirational, if not for others, for myself. I want to be the best person, daily, that I am able to be. I want to be organized. I want to be put-together. I want to be well-read and sound educated when I converse. These are all things, that during 2011, I've felt were not maintained at an acceptable level. And, as my 4 year old Stinkyface looks more and more like a 14 year old, both in appearance and in communicative and educational skills, I've decided this is more than a priority. This is necessary. I have to be the best person I can be, so that she will do the same.
I started to think about what it was like to be young, so I can relate more to what it is I'm teaching Stinkyface through my actions. I remember being consumed with my physical appearance and obsessing over my education and wit when I felt inadequate physically. Not healthy!! I went through months of anorexia, bulimia, and other unfortunate "dieting" routines so I could fit into society's and my own ideas of beauty. I worked out incessantly and played sports until I passed out. This is most of what I remember about being young. I, still, have moments of insecurity where I think aloud about how awful the food I eat is for me or that I have to run more because of insert-fat-body-part-here. I would devote myself to books, not because I enjoyed to read, but instead to have more knowledge about everything than anyone else. That way, when someone thought I was ugly or fat, at least they would think I was the smartest person they knew.
I definitely do not want Stinkyface, or her brother for that matter, to have these skewed and unhealthy ideals. I don't want to promote obsessive, extreme behaviors at all, especially when it has to do with health. So, as many of those close to me know, I've taken up boxing. It has become my therapist's office. I can give it all up there. I can be aggressive. I can push myself until I break. And I can pick myself back up and be proud of what I did. I'm not the best or strongest, but it doesn't matter. I'm committed and I finish every class.
But what is lacking from my personal physical approval is my diet. Sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm off, which not only messes with my energy level, but also makes me less confident and more inhibited, which utterly ends in the demise of my goals. These are the same issues so many women battle on a daily basis, due to societal view of beauty and physicality. And I'm hoping through being more committed to a healthier diet, whether I do or I don't have the body of my dreams, I will have the confidence of my dreams, and teach my children to have the same, and maybe even some other women who come across my writing. And these mini goals give me a whole new window of opportunity for my own personal growth.
Not to overwhelm myself, I've decided to focus primarily on this today, the beginning of my new year. So far, I've been successful (of course it's only 11am, but lets stay positive!!) and I feel great about it. I feel like I'm stronger, both inside and out. I've decided to keep a fit book, to hold me responsible, and also make it easier for me to understand and deal with things I would have normally beat myself up about in the past. This way, my kids will learn to deal with ups and downs instead of compulsively try to change whatever-it-is in any means possible. I can't wait to see where these commitments will lead me in a week; a month; even next year!! And I hope to share the journey with all of you, and hear about your own personal journeys, about diet and exercise, or any other obstacles keeping you from your personal best!!
So my New Year starts today; December 29, 2011. I am not going to just beg for the days to go by faster so that "My Year" starts sooner. That would mean that these days of my kids being as little and fun as they are would be swept under the rug. My organization practice and figuring out how to fit everything I want to do in my days would be delayed. Today would mean nothing. What kind of living is that??
My first order of business is to make my heart and head lighter. To illustrate my ideas and feelings. To give myself more esteem. I decided, today, to be insightful and inspirational, if not for others, for myself. I want to be the best person, daily, that I am able to be. I want to be organized. I want to be put-together. I want to be well-read and sound educated when I converse. These are all things, that during 2011, I've felt were not maintained at an acceptable level. And, as my 4 year old Stinkyface looks more and more like a 14 year old, both in appearance and in communicative and educational skills, I've decided this is more than a priority. This is necessary. I have to be the best person I can be, so that she will do the same.
I started to think about what it was like to be young, so I can relate more to what it is I'm teaching Stinkyface through my actions. I remember being consumed with my physical appearance and obsessing over my education and wit when I felt inadequate physically. Not healthy!! I went through months of anorexia, bulimia, and other unfortunate "dieting" routines so I could fit into society's and my own ideas of beauty. I worked out incessantly and played sports until I passed out. This is most of what I remember about being young. I, still, have moments of insecurity where I think aloud about how awful the food I eat is for me or that I have to run more because of insert-fat-body-part-here. I would devote myself to books, not because I enjoyed to read, but instead to have more knowledge about everything than anyone else. That way, when someone thought I was ugly or fat, at least they would think I was the smartest person they knew.
I definitely do not want Stinkyface, or her brother for that matter, to have these skewed and unhealthy ideals. I don't want to promote obsessive, extreme behaviors at all, especially when it has to do with health. So, as many of those close to me know, I've taken up boxing. It has become my therapist's office. I can give it all up there. I can be aggressive. I can push myself until I break. And I can pick myself back up and be proud of what I did. I'm not the best or strongest, but it doesn't matter. I'm committed and I finish every class.
But what is lacking from my personal physical approval is my diet. Sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm off, which not only messes with my energy level, but also makes me less confident and more inhibited, which utterly ends in the demise of my goals. These are the same issues so many women battle on a daily basis, due to societal view of beauty and physicality. And I'm hoping through being more committed to a healthier diet, whether I do or I don't have the body of my dreams, I will have the confidence of my dreams, and teach my children to have the same, and maybe even some other women who come across my writing. And these mini goals give me a whole new window of opportunity for my own personal growth.
Not to overwhelm myself, I've decided to focus primarily on this today, the beginning of my new year. So far, I've been successful (of course it's only 11am, but lets stay positive!!) and I feel great about it. I feel like I'm stronger, both inside and out. I've decided to keep a fit book, to hold me responsible, and also make it easier for me to understand and deal with things I would have normally beat myself up about in the past. This way, my kids will learn to deal with ups and downs instead of compulsively try to change whatever-it-is in any means possible. I can't wait to see where these commitments will lead me in a week; a month; even next year!! And I hope to share the journey with all of you, and hear about your own personal journeys, about diet and exercise, or any other obstacles keeping you from your personal best!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Squirrels In My Pants
Disturbingly enough, I had an A-HA moment watching Phineas and Ferb today, as I'm sure most mommies have...right??!! Okay, maybe not. Maybe I was reading far to much into a kids/tween animated comedy. Anyway, you know the episode. No, not the one all about aglets. You know, the end of a shoelace. Not the one about squirrels in Candace's pants. Not the one about Rock camp where the little Indian kid feels like he may fail for the first time. Okay, I obviously watch way to much Phineas and Ferb.
It's the episode where Candace, the older sister, tries to figure out what she'll do while her brothers, who are always up to something, choose to have a "do-nothing" day. She couldn't figure out who she was if she wasn't busting her brothers. And here's where it morphs into self-reflection. When I'm not busy trying to figure out what's wrong, why it's wrong, and how to help others that this wrong is hurting, I'm confused as to what I do. I think about writing about travel, or fashion, or any of the other things that otherwise take over my brain, but then I wonder how interesting or entertaining I would sound. Thinking about it now kind of sends me into a coma.
Needless to say, I vow to figure out who I am aside of drama and dilemma in 2012. I have pronounced the year as "My Year!" My year to bitch. My year to smile. My year to travel. My year to sit on my butt. My year to do exactly what I want to do. Maybe not always, as I am a slave to my children; most willingly, but I do realize that standing up for my happiness and sanity is what will make my monkies happy. It is what will make them well adjusted. What will make them smile and respect me. And that's all I really want. I cannot wait for the New Year. And I hope many people will jump on my wagon and take this trip and share it with me!! Cheers to 2012!!
It's the episode where Candace, the older sister, tries to figure out what she'll do while her brothers, who are always up to something, choose to have a "do-nothing" day. She couldn't figure out who she was if she wasn't busting her brothers. And here's where it morphs into self-reflection. When I'm not busy trying to figure out what's wrong, why it's wrong, and how to help others that this wrong is hurting, I'm confused as to what I do. I think about writing about travel, or fashion, or any of the other things that otherwise take over my brain, but then I wonder how interesting or entertaining I would sound. Thinking about it now kind of sends me into a coma.
Needless to say, I vow to figure out who I am aside of drama and dilemma in 2012. I have pronounced the year as "My Year!" My year to bitch. My year to smile. My year to travel. My year to sit on my butt. My year to do exactly what I want to do. Maybe not always, as I am a slave to my children; most willingly, but I do realize that standing up for my happiness and sanity is what will make my monkies happy. It is what will make them well adjusted. What will make them smile and respect me. And that's all I really want. I cannot wait for the New Year. And I hope many people will jump on my wagon and take this trip and share it with me!! Cheers to 2012!!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Moons and Cookies, Inc.
I've been inspired over the last couple of months to take this blog a little more seriously. So I've decided I will. Here are some things I know for sure: I know where I've been; I know what I've gone through; I know where I am, presently, and what I'm going through; and I know where I want to end up. The elements of life that I'm not sure of include, but are not limited to: how exactly I will arrive to where I want to end up; what situations I will have to go through; and if I will always make the best/right decisions.
As the New Year scoots closer and closer, I feel obligated to engage in classic human traditions and hold myself to a (short) list of resolutions. The first of this list will be to try to post a relevant blog daily. I also resolve to make sure I have ample time to make sure I look, feel, and think at the best of my ability; even if that means waking up an hour before the kids, or going to bed an hour later. Lastly, I want to make sure, daily, that I'm doing things that make me happy and teach my children to live happily. These all sound easy enough, but I think whenever you start to apply responsibility and accountability to a list, the anxiety goes up and the productivity goes down. But, I'm staying positive.
Here's what all this means to you. My blog will remain as interesting as I can make it, however, it may stray away from life's daily dilemmas and possibly include posts about other things that take up space in my head and heart; food, travel, fashion, kids...you know, the rest of life!! But I'm sure many will be consistent with the majority of my past posts, revealing many of the trials and tribulations I go through on this journey.
So please, continue to read me. Pass me on to your friends. Join my twitter and facebook groups. If I can help someone else in any of my situations, I will be a success. Thank you for being a part of me and supporting me the whole way through!!
As the New Year scoots closer and closer, I feel obligated to engage in classic human traditions and hold myself to a (short) list of resolutions. The first of this list will be to try to post a relevant blog daily. I also resolve to make sure I have ample time to make sure I look, feel, and think at the best of my ability; even if that means waking up an hour before the kids, or going to bed an hour later. Lastly, I want to make sure, daily, that I'm doing things that make me happy and teach my children to live happily. These all sound easy enough, but I think whenever you start to apply responsibility and accountability to a list, the anxiety goes up and the productivity goes down. But, I'm staying positive.
Here's what all this means to you. My blog will remain as interesting as I can make it, however, it may stray away from life's daily dilemmas and possibly include posts about other things that take up space in my head and heart; food, travel, fashion, kids...you know, the rest of life!! But I'm sure many will be consistent with the majority of my past posts, revealing many of the trials and tribulations I go through on this journey.
So please, continue to read me. Pass me on to your friends. Join my twitter and facebook groups. If I can help someone else in any of my situations, I will be a success. Thank you for being a part of me and supporting me the whole way through!!
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