Webster Has Nothing On Me

Yes, I haven't blogged in a handful of days. And yes, that's not keeping up with my resolution. As a matter of fact, the first week of my year (aka 2012) hasn't gone anywhere near the way I wanted or expected it to. But I'm not going to let that define me.

2012. My Year. Supposed to be the year of opportunity and experience. The year I learn who I am. The year I learn what I want. The year I learn what I want to surround myself with. So, how has the last week and a half gone?? A good friend suffered a brain aneurysm, and is fighting, still, to overcome it. My aunt passed away. My brother-in-law and niece and nephew got hit by a drunk driver while on a bike ride through their neighborhood. Yes, I'd say that's less than a positive start to the year. But I'm not going to let that define me.

Trying to keep a positive outlook through all of my experiences, I continually remind myself to look for the opportunity in each experience, no matter how hard it may be to see. To keep my eyes and my mind open. Because what seems like the end of the world could quite possibly be the beginning of something amazing. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe this year. So at first thought, I think, "Dang, didn't keep to my resolutions. Of course!" But, that's not true. I have all year to try to maintain these changes; all year to keep trying to do better. Be better. So, I'm not going to let that define me.

I've decided that as I see myself slipping back into the norm; into what's easy and comfortable, that I'm not going to see that as a failure. Instead, I'm going to notice myself doing these things and...wait for it...CHANGE THEM. It's a minor setback, not a way of life. I refuse to let this define me.

So now, I vow, again, to push myself harder and make the resolutions I set become habitual. I vow to make myself the best I can be in 2012. I vow to, even when I feel like I might break, to push on. Which brings me to something I've held onto since the last time I attended church.

Preface: I consider myself to be a Christian. Not a hardcore Christian. Not a Bible-thumper. Not a Jesus-freak. Just a Christian who is spiritual. I believe in God. I believe in ethics. I believe in the Bible. I don't attend church regularly; not because I don't want to, but just because I don't feel like it's imperative to go to church every week to have a relationship with God. Although, I do think it's important to get to church once in a while to be a part of a congregation.

Anyway, the last time I went to church, I was in a hard place. So, accordingly, it seemed as if the sermon was constructed completely around me. What I remember the most from it, was something along the lines of God wants you to push yourself to the point that you feel like you might break, so that in that moment you realize you didn't, in his grace, and you will have proved your faith and become a stronger person. Again, I'm not well-versed in the Bible, but that's what I got out of it. To not quit. To keep pushing, even if you feel you might break. To not let the struggle define you.

At first, I engulfed myself in the message. I repeated it again and again on mile 6 and 7 of Sunday uphill runs. I repeated it when it seemed like there were no answers. I repeated it when I thought I might break. And I felt so amazing when I pushed through the struggle, only to realize that wasn't the end for me, whether it be the run, the fight, the story. There's more. And recently, this message has crept back into my mind. Not as dramatic or extreme, but subtle. The way I think I need to hear it right now. Saying that just because I haven't run in a while, or because I haven't pushed myself to breaking in boxing, or I haven't exhausted myself detailing my home, doesn't mean that I've failed to keep my resolutions. I will not let that define me.

I will, however, let the fact that I am renewing my faith in myself and in God; that I will change today and hold true to who I want to be, define me. I'm determined. I'm optimistic. I'm faithful. I will make sure, no matter what happens, that 2012 will be my year. My year of years to come. I will not give up, and I will push past that breaking point, and prove to myself and everyone else that I can do it. I will prove I can do anything. This is what will define me.

Your Workout is My Warmup

A good friend told me "Today is your day!" So I started to really think about it. I have been so consumed with 2012 being my year, that I have been sitting around, counting the minutes of the rest of 2011. I've been lolly-gagging the last week of the year, because 2012 is my year. Not the last week of 2011. That is just the end of a not-my-year year, right?! It doesn't have to be, as I now realize.

So my New Year starts today; December 29, 2011. I am not going to just beg for the days to go by faster so that "My Year" starts sooner. That would mean that these days of my kids being as little and fun as they are would be swept under the rug. My organization practice and figuring out how to fit everything I want to do in my days would be delayed. Today would mean nothing. What kind of living is that??

My first order of business is to make my heart and head lighter. To illustrate my ideas and feelings. To give myself more esteem. I decided, today, to be insightful and inspirational, if not for others, for myself. I want to be the best person, daily, that I am able to be. I want to be organized. I want to be put-together. I want to be well-read and sound educated when I converse. These are all things, that during 2011, I've felt were not maintained at an acceptable level. And, as my 4 year old Stinkyface looks more and more like a 14 year old, both in appearance and in communicative and educational skills, I've decided this is more than a priority. This is necessary. I have to be the best person I can be, so that she will do the same.

I started to think about what it was like to be young, so I can relate more to what it is I'm teaching Stinkyface through my actions. I remember being consumed with my physical appearance and obsessing over my education and wit when I felt inadequate physically. Not healthy!! I went through months of anorexia, bulimia, and other unfortunate "dieting" routines so I could fit into society's and my own ideas of beauty. I worked out incessantly and played sports until I passed out. This is most of what I remember about being young. I, still, have moments of insecurity where I think aloud about how awful the food I eat is for me or that I have to run more because of insert-fat-body-part-here. I would devote myself to books, not because I enjoyed to read, but instead to have more knowledge about everything than anyone else. That way, when someone thought I was ugly or fat, at least they would think I was the smartest person they knew.

I definitely do not want Stinkyface, or her brother for that matter, to have these skewed and unhealthy ideals. I don't want to promote obsessive, extreme behaviors at all, especially when it has to do with health. So, as many of those close to me know, I've taken up boxing. It has become my therapist's office. I can give it all up there. I can be aggressive. I can push myself until I break. And I can pick myself back up and be proud of what I did. I'm not the best or strongest, but it doesn't matter. I'm committed and I finish every class.

But what is lacking from my personal physical approval is my diet. Sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm off, which not only messes with my energy level, but also makes me less confident and more inhibited, which utterly ends in the demise of my goals. These are the same issues so many women battle on a daily basis, due to societal view of beauty and physicality. And I'm hoping through being more committed to a healthier diet, whether I do or I don't have the body of my dreams, I will have the confidence of my dreams, and teach my children to have the same, and maybe even some other women who come across my writing. And these mini goals give me a whole new window of opportunity for my own personal growth.

Not to overwhelm myself, I've decided to focus primarily on this today, the beginning of my new year. So far, I've been successful (of course it's only 11am, but lets stay positive!!) and I feel great about it. I feel like I'm stronger, both inside and out. I've decided to keep a fit book, to hold me responsible, and also make it easier for me to understand and deal with things I would have normally beat myself up about in the past. This way, my kids will learn to deal with ups and downs instead of compulsively try to change whatever-it-is in any means possible. I can't wait to see where these commitments will lead me in a week; a month; even next year!! And I hope to share the journey with all of you, and hear about your own personal journeys, about diet and exercise, or any other obstacles keeping you from your personal best!!

Squirrels In My Pants

Disturbingly enough, I had an A-HA moment watching Phineas and Ferb today, as I'm sure most mommies have...right??!! Okay, maybe not. Maybe I was reading far to much into a kids/tween animated comedy. Anyway, you know the episode. No, not the one all about aglets. You know, the end of a shoelace. Not the one about squirrels in Candace's pants. Not the one about Rock camp where the little Indian kid feels like he may fail for the first time. Okay, I obviously watch way to much Phineas and Ferb.

It's the episode where Candace, the older sister, tries to figure out what she'll do while her brothers, who are always up to something, choose to have a "do-nothing" day. She couldn't figure out who she was if she wasn't busting her brothers. And here's where it morphs into self-reflection. When I'm not busy trying to figure out what's wrong, why it's wrong, and how to help others that this wrong is hurting, I'm confused as to what I do. I think about writing about travel, or fashion, or any of the other things that otherwise take over my brain, but then I wonder how interesting or entertaining I would sound. Thinking about it now kind of sends me into a coma.

Needless to say, I vow to figure out who I am aside of drama and dilemma in 2012. I have pronounced the year as "My Year!" My year to bitch. My year to smile. My year to travel. My year to sit on my butt. My year to do exactly what I want to do. Maybe not always, as I am a slave to my children; most willingly, but I do realize that standing up for my happiness and sanity is what will make my monkies happy. It is what will make them well adjusted. What will make them smile and respect me. And that's all I really want. I cannot wait for the New Year. And I hope many people will jump on my wagon and take this trip and share it with me!! Cheers to 2012!!

Adrenaline Junkie

I woke up early today, as most mothers to one year olds typically do. I was bummed that I didn't get to write yesterday, because I knew exactly what I wanted to say. Basically, yesterday, similar to nearly once a week, I started to feel bad. I felt like maybe I should tell everyone how the Big Man wasn't as bad as it sometimes seems. Like I should explain that a lot of times I'm just emerging from the situation I'm blogging about, so many of my posts are driven by emotion and adrenaline. Like, my situation is really mostly normal and that everyone goes through all kinds of drama in their "relationships."

And, like always, a couple hours go by and I'm reminded why I blog in the first place. Because the good lasts mere hours, if that, and the bad is the rest of the time. My work is discredited. My effort is discredited. My being is discredited. And that is why I write. Which leads me, of course fueled by anger, disappointment, and logic, to wonder if my writing would be anything if I were actually happy. If I was with someone who actually supported my ideas. Who supported my efforts. Who supported me, period.

I do believe the Big Man doesn't want to be the psychotic, immature reactor that he is, most of the time. Until, of course, he says things like, "This is who I am," and "You knew I was crazy when you signed up for this." Doesn't sound like a person apologetic of his words and behaviors. Sounds more like a person who is quite well with the way his life is. He is used to it. He is satisfied.

But, I never signed up for anything! I got pregnant. That's it. Two of the most amazing children, ever, and I'm so proud to be their mommy. And for the most part, I remained in this situation for them. So they could have a daddy. So I could have the flexibility to stay home with them sometimes. Sadly, neither seems to happen. Daddy is rarely around, mostly because he vegges out on his computer or the t.v. while he's home. Or, the latest bragging right, he's become a worldly jet-setter. So pretty much, I'm a single mom who has to do an extra person's laundry, clean up his messes, manage his business, and deal with his tantrums. Yeah, why wouldn't everyone "sign up for this?"

And let's talk flexibility. I get reamed worse, now, if I "call in sick" either because the kids aren't feeling well or I just want to spend some one-on-one time with them, than I would working for someone else. Not to mention, I would get a pay check in any other normal job. What I hear now is, "This is what pays for 'our' life! What do you do to pitch in?" What do I do?? I work from 10am-4pm for no pay. I do more work than the rest of the office combined. I take care of the house. I take care of my kids. I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, with them. I cook. I take care of my health. That's what I do. And, in response to "What? You think you're just going to run out and get a job making barely anything?" Firstly, barely anything is a hell of a lot more than the growing debts his "business" is creating. Not to mention, for the exact same hours away from my kids, I'd actually get a pay check. I wouldn't get yelled at for taking a sick day. And, I have great job experience, so that "barely anything" is a hell of a lot more than what it sounds like!

All in all, I want to take my chances with my writing. I want to see what would come out of being happy. Of being independent again. Of doing what I love. Of being around friends and family without constant negativity and nagging. Of course, I really hope for my writing to take-off at some point so I can ACTUALLY have the flexibility with my kids, but moreso, I just want to free.

A Little Past the Ides Of December

PREFACE: I wrote this in Dec. 2010, but never posted it. So...here it is!! Enjoy.


As we ring in the new decade, I've decided it's been quite the month. Quite the year really. So much has happened. Probably one of the most eventful years of my life, in an adult perspective. My family is deteriorating. My social life is growing. My children are growing. My economic means is deteriorating. Bittersweet really, in every sense of the meaning.

I rang in the decade in my twenties. After partying like it's 1999, because it was 1999, I started the decade in an unhealthy relationship. I was in love, but it was toxic. I ditched senior night to sleep in the bed of a truck in the teacher's parking lot of my high school with my boyfriend. That's a lasting love. (Enter sarcasm here) Lived with him. Fought with him. Made up. Partied. Fought. He lied and did drugs. I left. A very sad but memorable 5 years of my life.

Then, I played it solo. No boyfriend. I was a third wheel a lot, and I didn't mind. In fact, I didn't notice! My family was the same. My friends rocked. I partied. I hung out. I studied. I traveled. I made some AH.MAZE.ING friends at one of the best jobs I've ever had, of course because of the group. Then I dated again. This time, a good guy at the wrong time. Random really terrible car accident, in which I nearly died, that left glass in my ear and a scar on my rib to this day. After many Marilyn movies and some good Kenny marathons, another good few years.

Then did my own thing for a shorter amount of time. The story gets redundant. This time, I had kids. The best two kids on the face of the planet. The two cutest mugs you'll ever see. One all jokes, and one all business. My life became complete. Or at least I thought.

Of course with the normal turmoil of a relationship, these days, you will have your normal amount of drama, as I do. But then, in the last year or so of this great decade I can call my twenties, I lost some great friends, regained many more great friends, and made new great friends. Lost relations with some important family, while reconnecting to other as-important family. But, most recently, I've had some scares. My dad had a heart attack this week, spending a week in ICU. During which or promptly before my mom more than likely had a stroke. My dad is okay, the doctors say, but my mom is blank. It reminds me of when I was 8 and she couldn't remember who I was. So hurtful, but hurtful is so selfish. I'm more worried about her being alive. But I'm pretty sure I will be lucky to have her another Christmas. And yet, this Christmas I didn't spend with her. On top of this all, I have spent the most of a full school year with sick kids. And my babies Grandma had a bad fall too. You can no longer say December without saying productivity. Well, maybe productivity isn't the word. But I've definitely learned to live every day like it's my last.

As far as 2010 goes, I'm over it. I remember being excited that this year was here because it had to be better than that of the last, but, my guess is, it equaled or was possibly worse. I am excited for 2011, and this last day of the year; of the decade, is ending much more positively, at least, than the whole rest of the week, and that makes me excited.

Moons and Cookies, Inc.

I've been inspired over the last couple of months to take this blog a little more seriously. So I've decided I will. Here are some things I know for sure: I know where I've been; I know what I've gone through; I know where I am, presently, and what I'm going through; and I know where I want to end up. The elements of life that I'm not sure of include, but are not limited to: how exactly I will arrive to where I want to end up; what situations I will have to go through; and if I will always make the best/right decisions.

As the New Year scoots closer and closer, I feel obligated to engage in classic human traditions and hold myself to a (short) list of resolutions. The first of this list will be to try to post a relevant blog daily. I also resolve to make sure I have ample time to make sure I look, feel, and think at the best of my ability; even if that means waking up an hour before the kids, or going to bed an hour later. Lastly, I want to make sure, daily, that I'm doing things that make me happy and teach my children to live happily. These all sound easy enough, but I think whenever you start to apply responsibility and accountability to a list, the anxiety goes up and the productivity goes down. But, I'm staying positive.

Here's what all this means to you. My blog will remain as interesting as I can make it, however, it may stray away from life's daily dilemmas and possibly include posts about other things that take up space in my head and heart; food, travel, fashion, kids...you know, the rest of life!! But I'm sure many will be consistent with the majority of my past posts, revealing many of the trials and tribulations I go through on this journey.

So please, continue to read me. Pass me on to your friends. Join my twitter and facebook groups. If I can help someone else in any of my situations, I will be a success. Thank you for being a part of me and supporting me the whole way through!!

Happy Turkey Day

As I take this time to re-enter the world of blog, I find myself being very introspective, and festively, very thankful. Actually, this is a feeling of the past few months, but the ol' gobble gobble has me feeling a little extra special thankful. You see, I've learned over the last few months, more of who I am and where my breaking points are. I've learned what being a mother to a smart and beautiful little girl will do to me, and more recently, what being a mommy to an adorable little boy will do. And for these things I am thankful.

I have also concluded that Thanksgiving is a time for change. While we decide what it is about our lives that we are thankful for and excited about everyday, it is then which we should vow to change the opposite things in our lives that bring us down. Not two months later, after a long night and a headache. It's the turkey time of year, at least for me, that I choose to eliminate the people, places, and things that don't make me the best I can be. For example, I find myself practically cussing out the drivers every morning on my route to preschool. Every day it's the same story with either the same or different bad drivers. Today, I decided, it is time for me to purge this negative route from my daily routine. I am not a good example when I'm yelling at people where the gas pedal is or that their phone should not be in front of their faces texting when I'm trying to get my kids safely to school. And what will happen when I go to pick Stinkyface up?? I am going to go a different way. I will not be angry or hostile at the same people because I expected the same routine. I will be happy that I don't know where all the cops with nothing better to do are hiding, so it can become an Easter egg hunt of sorts.

This kind of life editing has begun and will continue to occur with things in my life. I've said it before, and hopefully it will be a long time before I say it again. I pick up the same mess everyday. The same toys. The same clothes. The same dishes. And randomly enough, they always seem to be in the same places. These toys, clothes, and dishes are out. If I'm going to be looking at a mess, I want the colors to be different. I want the styles to be different. I don't want it to be so monotonous that it brings me down every day. I want it to be as interesting and exciting as cleaning possibly can be. I've already purged my entire wardrobe minus the workout clothes, and Stinkyface and Dinosaur's closets are open! It's all about being the best me I can be no matter what the circumstance.

Which leads me finally, to people. I was told once by someone who used to be close to me, that we don't choose our families or the people who come with our spouses. I've always agreed and thought that to be true, although recently I was told that was rude. I don't know, I still kind of believe it. The only people you actually choose to be in your life are your friends. And friends, in my opinion, should always be like-minded individuals who bring you up and bring out the best in you. Not people you are comfortable with dealing with or let you fall because that's where they are.

I've been extremely fortunate in my choice of friends. I can honestly say those people I have chosen as my friends are like-minded, and always bring out the best in me. These are not things I can say, necessarily about the people I didn't choose, but in their defense, it's okay. They don't have to because I don't have to be around them. They didn't choose me either, and it's very possible, I don't bring out the best in them, because again, it's about a common ground. People in two totally different hemispheres can't just one day decide to be twinsies and wear the same outfit. The weather will be completely different for each of them. This proves true in everyday life. Two people in two different places in their lives can't pretend to be in the same place. That will create bitterness and resentment in both people. That is why my rule of thumb is, and always has been, when the timing's right, enjoy the moment. Stay away the rest of the time. Sounds rude, but in reality, it saves the folks involved the negative feelings and creates a however tiny, good memory.

So this Thanksgiving, my resolutions are to commit to being the best me I can be for my biggest thanks of all; my babies. I will omit the negative, and embrace the positive. Happy Turkey Day!!

Rainbow Roll

While it's been much too long since I've blogged, and I've now internalized all the crap that pisses me off daily instead of letting it go through this healthy outlet, I thought I would take just a moment at this ridiculously late hour of the day to post a little note.

2009-
A new year. A new president. A new start. This is the perfect time to start a diet, then quickly end it. Maybe change careers in this struggling economy. Ditch the coffee and cigarettes. Reestablish your faltering relationship with Christ. None of that threatens me. Change is opportunity. Change is growth. Change is necessary. So why is it that after the big push, the straw that breaks the camel's back, the line that was crossed, is it so easy to fall back into the same ol' routine?? No matter how defacing or repellent it may be?? What makes the damaging so comfortable?? And it could be anything. Pick your poison. Maybe you're a generally negative person. Maybe you're overly critical. Maybe you're an alcoholic. Maybe you're the person who always chooses relationships with abusive people. Maybe you're a shopaholic. It doesn't matter. Because you know there's that something about you that holds you back from pure bliss. There's that something about you you secretly wish you could change daily, but just forget about it until it hurts again. And that's what makes January such a comical, sell-out month. People set goals, knowing full well that they won't stick to them, because the first is just like every other day we think "I will not let this be this way anymore!!" "I will be the best I can be."

I'm not only a member, but lately have realized I'm practically the president of this club. I can go through serious conflict, and through trial and error, actually learn a positive and healing way to process and accept change. Then, when I'm not practicing these skills daily anymore because I'm (gasp) happy, I get hit with a low blow and spiral down the abyss of negativity. And I'm like a newborn. I don't know what to do to make the situation better. All the trial and error begins again. Even though, and this is just my perspective, I know what to do from the start. We all do. It's just too hard. But why should this positive change be so hard?? That's what I don't understand. Yeah maybe 3 months of awkwardness, sadness, struggle. But then there's that glimmer of light and you feel like, "why the hell did it take so long to do this?? This is so much better!!" Instead of day after day of despising yourself for the lack of balls to commit.

Needless to say, for the sake of sticking to my word about making this just a note, I think I've finally committed to my change again. It feels scary because its real. It's not fluffy and sweet and cute. Instead, its raw. It's grainy...hmm, it's kinda like sushi, which in my opinion is freakin' awesome. So this is my challenge not only to myself, but to everyone who graciously reads my blogs. Take that leap. Commit. Pick one thing and just focus. Don't let anyone get you off track. You know what to do, and if you don't, change it up. Through change, you will find what will work. You may find a couple non-functioning methods on the way, but at least you're committed to figuring out how to finally be truly happy. Make everyday January 1st. (Or the 20th if your ecstatic like me!!!) Good Luck!